The one thng grief has taught me these past 2-1/2 years is that it will take you places when you least expect it. And as hard as you fight it – grief always wins. This week while on vacation I returned to a beach in Florida where I took my daughter the last time we visited Florida. This trip to Florida was the first I’d made since my daughter’s death and I believed I have avoided Florida for that reason.
This particular beach is in St. Pete and it is a public area and requires quite a walk to the ocean. As I walked, the memories began flooding back and by the time I got to the water, I was fighting back the tears. I was thankful I had big sunglasses on and not many people noticed me. As I walked along, I realized I couldn’t stay there any longer. The memories are still too painful to see as good, I only see them as time I will never spend again with her. Time stolen from me.
The hole in my heart became painfully present and I felt the need to leave urgently. I walked quickly to the car all the while swiping tears from my eyes. Hoping not to be noticed. At this time in my grief, I usually don’t care who sees me cry, but for some reason this time was different.
I gained some control once in the car and then drove to a beach that I had gone to the day before, one that I hadn’t been with my daughter before. I was thankful for that time, because it was my last day in St. Pete and I didn’t want a sad moment to be my last experience while at the beach.
God has created such a wonderful picture of peace and tranquility that I call the beach. The waves coming in and out and the wind slowly moving through creating a sense of calm. That’s what I wanted to remember, not the pain and huge gaping hole in my heart that will forever remain.
I miss you my dear Brittany more than I can bare some days. And as Mother’s Day approaches I hope and pray to God that I can get past it. This holiday, more than any other, is the most difficult to get through. I tell people jokingly that I’d like to take enough medication to sleep from Friday to Monday and think that it never existed. But I know I cannot. So for all you mothers out there. Happy Mother’s Day. Enjoy your motherhood and your children – they are a gift for such a short time.
until next time