The battleground of grief can be internal or external. Internally all I could visualize was how I saw all of the things I could not control just strewn all around me. A wild fight where everything was on the line. Everything was left on the ground. The only thing left was a casualty of war. A prisoner of war. Me.
The powerful surge of sorrow and grief and the magnitude of the empty space that resides in my heart and in my life since Brittany died is real. It’s not some story that happened to me. As October 13th approaches, I am reminded my journey is far from over. Some days it feels like I just started this journey yesterday and other days it seems like a lifetime ago.
Externally, it can look like how your relationships with your family, your friends, perhaps your marriage or your loved ones. Some relationships struggle after loss but make it through and unfortunately some don’t. The grief is so powerful. It takes ahold of you and plows through you like a wrecking ball. And the unfortunate truth is those who love you feel the brunt of grief too. They grieve who you used to be or who they want you to be.
Grief, it changes you and the people you connect with. Even 12 years later, my grief, my loss impacts those close to me. My close relationships suffer. And although I try to ignore it or “fix” it; grief has no timeline. I find that I keep to myself, my thoughts and feelings because seriously who wants to hear over and over again how badly I miss my daughter? Who wants to be around me during these months when I’m distant and moody? I don’t even want to talk about it. It opens up old wounds. The scars of a battle I lost; one that I didn’t even know how to fight. But each year I try and I’ll keep working at it. I’m a warrior.
Everyone’s response to grief is different; their ability to manage the battle internally and externally can be vastly different from your own experience. Because everyone is different; the help you seek or the therapy you receive may look different too. That’s ok. Just get help. Talk. Write. Mentor.
Until Next Time,