This topic hit me hard and in that moment I dropped what I was doing and wrote this post. These are my thoughts and feelings after losing my mom when I was 31 and pregnant. My father died a few years ago, and never really had a relationship with him for my entire 66 years. When we were in each other’s company (not very often), it was often strained and exhausting with the arguing and false statements he believed.

As a girl growing up, she needs her father. When a father is not there, for whatever reason, it leaves a sting that lasts forever. Always questioning “what did I do” or “why doesn’t he love us”. But when you are not wanted or wanted for all the wrong reasons – the fallout can be devastating. Everything I ever felt about myself was in conflict from my father’s leaving his children at a young age; and my mother’s consistent message that I could achieve anything I wanted. She was the wind beneath my wings. I thrived because of her and in spite of him.

When you live your life parent-less, there is a sense of un-belonging.

When you live your life parent-less, there is a sense of profound loss because you are no longer someone’s daughter.

When you live your life parent-less, unconditional love is gone.

When you live your life parent-less, there is a loneliness that cannot be filled.

When you live your life parent-less, a void exists that cannot be explained.

Thankfully, I’ve had wonderful people step into my life and provide “parental-type” love and guidance. But it is not the same as hearing your mom’s voice over the phone say “baby, I’m so proud of you”. As tears spill out my eyes, I’ve missed that so much. All I have is this one letter from her that I’ll cherish forever. She always believed in me, even when I wondered if I could ever fit in or succeed. Her faith is why I am who I am today.

Living parent-less in this world amongst those with parents is beyond hard. Especially when their parents are supportive and loving. Loss teaches you to be humble and grateful for what you had, but it doesn’t keep you from crying, hell weeping because the pain hits hard, especially around holidays. Even after all these years, it continues to be difficult for me to participate with a smile when the emptiness is clearly evident while you are in the midst of others who haven’t lost a parent(s). I put on a smile anyway and hide how I truly feel. Alone.

Until next time,

M

My mom