For Everyone Who Ask, Receives. Everyone Who Seeks, Finds. And to Everyone Who Knocks, The Door Will Be Opened. – Luke 11:10
I’ve been praying for a long, long time for God to open a door so that the one behind me will close. I think I may have gotten my request a little out-of-order. I think I may be in looking back way to often and not looking forward enough.
As I continue to move forward on my journey of grief since the death of my daughter I find myself, especially this time of year, looking longingly at that past door that lies behind me. I am sure now after reading that scripture that by not keeping my eyes fixed forward I have hindered God’s desires for me.
Can I just say that takes an incredible amount of grace and humility to admit that, although I feel like God is making doors open for me, I can’t help but to look back sometimes and wish that I would wake up and it all had been a bad dream.
I find that particularly painful to admit, because I know it is the very thing that has stonewalled my progress. The problem then becomes how do I stop looking back. Stop looking back at a life I still long for. How do close that part of my life and look forward? It’s not the game I wanted to play.
During this time of year seems to be the most difficult. The tendency to look longingly at the door of my past life with Brittany is so strong this time of year. It takes a great deal of strength and attention for me to stay focused on the present and future. I lean into and yes I said into Jesus in order to stay focused on moving forward.
The one thing I do know is that this happens every year at this time. For the past three years it has been extremely difficult to remain faithful that God will keep that door open long enough for me to crawl through. But I also know that God has always remained faithful to me even when I couldn’t even see it. See HIM. He is always there. Waiting for me.
My challenge is finding a way to close the gap between when I start to feel this longing and when I am able to focus on the door in front of me and not the one behind me. And understanding that this journey is a process and one that ebbs and flows without too much influence from me. It’s the nature of the beast.
Every gift that God gives us opens a door for something greater and more wonderful than we can imagine. I know this to be true. The hard part is remaining faithful to that knowledge when it gets a little rocky or life hits the skids. Remaining faithful will allow God to move in ways we can’t possibly imagine.
Hold on my friends, hold on.
until next time