Today is her angel day.

Grief Blessings4 Comments

I usually spend my daughter’s death day in quiet reflection and self-care. It has been the best way, for me, to manage the washboard of grief that comes near my daughter’s death day and birthday. I take a deep heavy sigh after the days pass as if it is another milestone achieved. Never celebratory, but making it through yet another date on the calendar that reminds me of a past life where I lived as a mother and this present life that is vastly different. The two often collide this time of year. 

There is a struggle that happens as September comes and while I’ve been at this grief journey for many years, I find there are just some things I don’t want to think about or write about anymore. The pain is too deep and wounds still raw with pain and anguish. Facing this loss year after year can be just too much to bear. As I write this, tears spill from my eyes because I still cannot believe she was taken from me. The questions of why her, why me, may never be answered. But yet I ask.

I hide this as best I can because the vulnerability of it can take a toll on not only me, but the person experiencing it with me. It is the loneliest journey one can be on. It’s a lifetime of flashbacks, of pain and sorrow. It is a wound that never truly heals. This time each year, it’s like the wound opens up and the pain so severe it takes my breath away.

I know hiding is not the answer because the pain and sorrow comes out in my behavior. I withdrawal and become unsociable. I hide behind the pain so no one else can see it. Only those close to me see through it. How can it not? My only child died.

Nothing will ever change that.

Until next time,

Mal

The Essence of Her

Grief BlessingsLeave a comment

My mother has been gone for 37 years and while I miss her so very much; I’m not the 31 year old pregnant mother that I was when she died. Today, at 68, I grieve the concept of not having a mother in my life. A mother to help me through the darkest times of my life. To laugh with me. To hug me when I need a hug only a mother can give. I have never really looked at it this way, but in retrospect, it makes total sense. 

My mom was always so very supportive. She never offered advice unless it was solicited and then she did not hold back. She would always end it with “I may not agree with you, but it is ultimately your decision and one you’ll have to live with”. That one always got me. I feel lucky to have had 31 years with her.

I have a letter she wrote me while I was living in Dallas trying to find my build my career in advertising and marketing. She wasn’t fond of me living alone in the “big city”, but supported me all the way. In that letter, her encouragement of me was written in love and trust. She knew she’d raised me to make the right decisions. And while I did not always, I understood the consequences and was prepared to make things right.

Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I see her and occasionally, that image has stopped me in my tracks. It is in those moments, that I truly miss her and the essence of her. A girl never outgrows needing her mother’s love.

Until Next Time,

M

Grief is Complicated

Grief Blessings1 Comment

“The powerful surge of sorrow and grief, and the magnitude of the empty space that resides in my heart and in my life since Brittany died, is real. It’s not some story that happened to me. Every October 13th, I am reminded my journey is far from over. Some days it feels like I just started this journey yesterday, and other days it seems like a lifetime ago.” – Mal Moss, Grief Blessings, The Story of Unimaginable Grief and Unexpected Blessings

I’ve struggled of late to find the words or the will to write. I’ve given it a lot of thought and the quote from my book “Grief Blessings” above captures the essence of my grief journey. I’ve only had a few times since I began to write where I couldn’t find the energy to write. Words usually come easily to me. Even as I sit here writing this, my mind just wanders and the distractions around me are so loud. 

This morning while riding my bike it occurred to me that I’ve been “retired” from my nursing career for almost a year. From the time Brittany died, I worked. I worked extra hours/shifts. I stayed busy. It was an avoidance behavior that kept my grief in check. The pain from the incredible sorrow my heart felt was just too much to bare. The work was exhausting leaving me without energy to battle the grief. Years went by. 

I accepted any type of job change that would increase my career because I wanted to feel valued. I needed to find a place for the motherly love and care spent on my child for nearly 18 years. Work became that for me. I moved from Michigan, Indiana, Atlanta and finally Florida because change kept me busy. Now life “fast forward” has slowed down since retirement and I am struggling to feel valued. Alone with these new feelings of being inadequate at life. Sitting here wondering how it happened. It happened because I pushed it away by working. I avoided grief like the plague. And now in retirement, grief is ever present but different.

I’ve never had a problem with being alone (by myself). Feeling lonely, is altogether different. I’ve never felt so lonely on this journey as I do right now. I really don’t have someone to talk with who would understand. Therapy over the years has helped but this I’m afraid is something I’m going to have to battle out on my own. In hindsight, retiring may have been a mistake. My work friends, many were closer to my age, made me laugh and created a space for me to sit in that didn’t sound or feel like grief. Now I’m facing it straight on, alone. 

Because I’ve moved so much over the years, I really don’t have close friends that live nearby, especially closer to my age. I’ve heard that making friends as you get older can be hard and I couldn’t agree more. It’s been very hard. I’ve always been a young soul who didn’t have much in common with those my own age. Now don’t get me wrong, I love and adore the people in my life now. They make me laugh and make life tolerable on days when I’m not at my best. They simply don’t have the life experiences I’ve had and talking about those experiences and how to manage them is something I need. I need to hear from people who’ve walked through the fire.

Retirement has complicated my grief.  The multitude of feelings that come from retiring from a successful career, like: getting older, recognizing my own mortality and seeking to find value, have also complicated my grief journey. The sum totality of loss has evolved into a new grief. It feels like the two worlds have collided and finding a way to talk about those feelings sits at the top of my list. I’ve never been one to “chat” in grief support groups because I always felt like I had a handle on things. But the unfortunate truth is, I do not. It’s hard to look at yourself and come to the realization that you don’t have it all together. You don’t have all the answers. That is new to me. 

Until next time

M

A Mother’s Poem

Grief BlessingsLeave a comment

Written By Mal Moss (2007)

Where has my girl gone?

For once she was in her room,

laughing on the phone, and

now she is gone.

Where has my girl gone?

For once she was dancing and singing,

loving and laughing at me,

now she is gone.

Where has my girl gone?

For she once needed me,

to fix her hair, pick out her clothes

Show her the way, now she is gone.

Where has my girl gone?

The one that I cared for

24-7, 365 days, 17-3/4 years.

The one who cared so much,

for others, but got so little in return.

Now she is gone.

Where has my girl gone?

Who showed us how to love,

unconditional without barriers.

Who wished to be normal, like

her friends, to be loved.

Now she is gone.

Where has my girl gone?

You see my friends,

she is in the arms of God,

Where she needs to be, she

deserves to be, where she

no longer is subject to the

cruelties of this world.

@griefblessings

Dreams Extinguished

Grief Blessings2 Comments

 

When a child dies so too does a parent’s dreams of what could have been. The dreams they had for their child. Dreams of success, dreams of weddings, dreams of grandchildren, dreams of a long-term relationship filled with great memories.

When Brittany died, I mourned so much more than her death. I mourned all the dreams that were not meant to be. That part of my mourning journey has taken the longest to work through and I find the most heartbreaking. I don’t think I’ll ever get through this part of the journey. Each time I see something on social media or in person about a mom and daughter’s relationship. Some event that occurred or a shared success, I fold into a mess.

The feeling that comes over me feels like a heart breaking all over again. I know some of you who follow my blog understand this all too well. We all had these dreams for our child(ren) and we live in a world where we constantly are exposed to friends, family or stranger scenarios where we dreamt one day we’d be. I continue to revisit this topic because it is the one area that I don’t believe will ever be resolved.

I’ll be honest here – this desire for my child died twice for me. When my daughter become deathly ill at 11 months of age, and the diagnosis and long journey back to health was the first of many dreams shattered and that life would not be normal for her again. A new normal began that day and those dreams had to be adjusted. As the years went on, it seemed that the dreams went through continual adjustment based on what was her long-term prognosis.

Always believing that she could still live somewhat of a normal life, however what surrounded us was what we understood could not be.

Death brought it all to an end. With the stopping of her heartbeat so did the dreams. A part of my life’s dreams died too. A part of my heart ripped to shreds.

Eighteen years have passed and those dreams still remain in my heart because the pain and memories I feel continues to haunt me. Painful reminders surround me of what I lost and what she could have been.

While I have reconciled her death; I remain steadfast that she would have been an amazing adult, mother and friend. That makes me smile.

 

Until next time,

M

Getting Quite

Grief BlessingsLeave a comment

I was reading a chapter in Savannah Guthrie’s book “Mostly What God Does” where she discusses how one might miss hearing God’s voice. I feel like it’s always there, but sometimes the noise in our lives makes it hard to hear. After reading this chapter of her book, I thought to myself, that is so very true. If you think about the daily tugs and pulls for our thoughts, time and activities like scrolling endlessly for hours, can be hard to hear our own internal voice, let alone God’s voice.

One day soon after my daughter passed away and grief was consuming me I cried out to God. To take it all away. I pleaded. Yet the questioning, longing for answers remained for months. I continued  burying myself and my grief through my work. I took care of others, so that I could avoid taking care of myself.

I struggled so often with “why” and if my daughter was ok. Was she in heaven. Then I had several dreams. Brittany came to me 2-3 times over a period of a couple of years and to tell me she was ok. That it was all going to be ok. I now recognize that was God speaking to me in a way that I would listen. He heard my crying out and through my daughter, he responded. Or did he….

Savannah goes on in chapter 8 to talk about how can we determine if it’s our own internal voice or the voice of God. She explained it wasn’t easy for her and that resonated with me. I don’t think it’s an easy discernment but rather a quiet moment when all the noise has given way to the quiet voice of God coming through. Those moments don’t seem to happen often because we are so very busy doing life.

The Cleveland Clinic defines meditation as a practice that involves focusing or clearing of your mind using a combination of mental and physical techniques.

I thought in my retirement and through my writing, that would lead to getting more quiet. To have more time to focus on meditation and clarity. Yet, I don’t do it often enough. Not sure if it’s because I’m afraid of what thoughts may come to mind and if I’ll understand them or even like them.

What I do understand from my own personal experience and from reading Savannah’s book, is that an intimate relationship in the quiet may be what we all need to hear God’s voice or message. Perhaps it was God who heard my cries and spoke to me through dreams of my daughter. I’d like to think so.

On my next post, I’ll share a presentation I did many years ago on medication and key tips on getting quiet so that you can free your mind of the constant noise of life.

Until next time,

M

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/17906-meditation

Mostly What God Does by Savannah Guthrie is in most bookstores and online

Book Conversation

Grief BlessingsLeave a comment

You will seek me and find me – Jeremiah 29:13

I mentioned this a few months ago that I wanted to blog through Savannah Guthrie’s book “Mostly What God Does”. I have started that journey this week and while I’m not done reading the book; I did feel compelled to share something that stopped me in my thoughts and sent me back to the moment my daughter died. The trauma of it all. The gravity of it all.

He prays through groans too deep for words. – Romans 8:26

He does our prayer in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs and our aching groans. – Romans 8:26

Wordless sighs and aching groans. Who does that resonate with? It sure did with me. In the early hours, days, weeks and months after Brittany died all I could muster is crying, constant sighing and groaning as if my heart had been ripped from my chest. Which if I’m being honest her death felt like a blow to the chest.

In hindsight, I do believe God heard me, but my pain was so profound, I wasn’t always feeling it. I felt betrayed by God. That he must hate me so much to take my only child. I know that is strong language and now 18 years later, I don’t believe it. But I do still question why. And on some rare days, I say “what could I have ever done to deserve this?” But those days are far and few between and now I’m just left with questioning. It’s unacceptable to say “God’s will”. I implore anyone to never say that to a grieving mother or parent.

My fellow christian friends/family did say that to me and in reflection, it told me they were ignorant of God’s pure love. Love is not demonstrated by religious beliefs not founded in God’s pure love. It is not from the compassionate God.

“Rooted and established in love” – Ephesians 3:17

“Now remain in my love. – John 15:9

“Love your neighbor as yourself” – Mark 12:31

My faith has been impacted by ill meaning christians who have said or demonstrated un-Jesus like behaviors and words. In order to restore, rebuild and live out my faith, I must return to that “child-like” faith where God and I are connected. Savannah wrote this comment in her book and I’ll leave it here.

God’s feelings for us are unshakable. Our feelings about God have nothing to do with or how He feels for us. – Savannah Guthrie “Mostly What God Does”

Until next time,

M

Grief Blessings

Grief BlessingsLeave a comment

After my daughter passed away in 2006, I documented my grief journey on my blog not thinking how it would evolve over time. During those early days/weeks/months, I just needed to push the heaviness of my daughter’s death off my heart. Needing to breathe and reduce the immense pressure that constantly weighed on me. Below is an excerpt from my book describing how I felt about conveying my thoughts and feelings:

As I reflect on the details of Brittany’s life and death in the previous chapters, I wonder how I can possibly convey the depth of feeling, the overwhelming grief and sadness I experienced, in a meaningful way. The truth is that words aren’t enough. They can never be enough to express love or despair, joy or heartbreak. Yet words are all we have. – Chapter 7 Grief Blessings

I wrote often about crying during those early days and weeks. Despite my efforts to suppress my grief so that I could function, I fell to the floor on many occasions unable to control the waterboarding of grief. Returning to work seemed futile as that was an indicator of moving on and that I could not comprehend. Going back to work felt as though I was moving on and making sense of that did not come easy. After three weeks, I was able to return to the job I loved so much and it was the beginning of some type of normalcy. 

Those early days were a struggle for me. I often walked around with a lump in my throat “grief” and it kept me from eating. Feeling as though recognizing the grief would lead to a complete collapse, I stuffed it. Only to get home from a long day and barely making into my front door before falling to the floor in complete grief-filled agony. This went on for months.

Grief doesn’t care that you’re in Michael’s. It doesn’t care that you’re in Cabo San Lucas, surrounded by the beauty of God’s creation. It doesn’t care that you’re in a movie theater, or at work, or among friends and family. It tugs at that rope when it wants to, hoping it will catch you off balance and drag you back into despair. There are no rules with this magnitude of loss. Grief takes you where it wishes, when it wishes, and however long it wishes. – Chapter 7 Grief Blessings

My journals and blog have allowed me to reflect upon my grief journey and most importantly to see the progress I’ve made over the years. Grief changes who you are and who you become. There are no rules. Grief is our teacher. The lessons we learn along the way form who we are on the other side of loss. Grief teaches us that there is pain in loving. 

My book “Grief Blessings” available on Amazon. Personalized and signed books available via the link on the right side of the blog page.

Until next time,

M

Holiday Grief

Grief BlessingsLeave a comment

It’s easy to look away or stay busy to keep the swell of grief that sits in my throat on any given day during the holiday season. For the most part that has been my way of avoiding the gravity of her absence these past 18 years. No one realizes just how hard it is to walk through the holidays without her. Visiting family celebrations knowing she won’t be there or that she isn’t even a fleeting thought. Then I am reminded that was my old life and I am very aware that I can’t stay there nor can I afford to ignore what is in front of me. Love is all around me and I am forever thankful for that because it has given me a breath of life.

I have found balance in both worlds and it works – but it’s hard, don’t be mistaken, and at times it can be extremely hard. I stay busy, I work hard and I play hard – why, because it is better than the misery I’m sure would exist if I did not. Ninety-nine percent of the time I am not miserable, I am happy – love and joy has brought me to this point. I am forever grateful for that. I am also grateful for the life before because my time with Brittany, yes, her name is music to my ears. She taught me so much about life and love. I am a better person because of her time here on this earth.

As you navigate this holiday season as a griever, it is my hope that you take pause to say their name, to smile at a memory, to write it down and then to take in a deep breath and let it out. Step into the present and love on all of those around you who need you to be present. It is the greatest gift we can give those who are walking along side us.

Until next time,

M