I was reminded today while going through some old journals and books on spirituality that I had forgotten a very important aspect of my continued journey on healing. The letting go of who I was. Letting go of who I had become. Letting go of what I thought I was to become. Letting go of the life I had come to know and love.

In order to find who I was to become I had to let go of who I had become. For they could not exist at the same time, in the same space, if I were to move forward. Saying that sounds strange, believing in it even stranger. For so long I lived for my daughter. I gave her every part of me. I had to. At least I felt I had to. I don’t know if it was guilt because she became ill at an early age and I wasn’t able to get her the help fast enough to avoid the neurological deficits that were to come. I had waited so long to have a child and so grateful to have a child, that I gave all of me to her. I lost my mother while pregnant with Brittany and maybe the unconscious me had been holding on for dear life trying to make sure I didn’t lose her. In the end I did. I lost everything.

In giving everything I had – I lost myself somewhere along the line. I forgot what it was like to just be me. I forgot me. I was living a life that I thought I was suppose to be living. Maybe I was – for that time. I finally came to realize I had to let that life go. If I’m being real here I can tell you that the thought of letting that life go and starting over was daunting to me. It took me to places you don’t want to know. But that was then and this is now.

Over time, I realized that it was time to become the person I was meant to be in this new life. It didn’t mean I was forgetting who I was or that I was forgetting my beautiful sweet Brittany – it just meant I had to say goodbye to the person I was and move into the person I was going to become.

It has been an adventure I can tell you. And those of you who knew me in the early months and years, knew to hold on – in the words of Betty Davis – “It’s gonna be a bumpy ride.” Those of you who didn’t know me or know me that well – you witnessed some incredible growth and energy; and, while challenging I understood time was of the essence.

Things had to shift. My faith in God has given me such strength to persevere and to keep going that I had to do something with it. I couldn’t hold onto the energy another minute. The expression of love and desire to help others is where I saw myself going. The feelings were so strong, I knew that my purpose in this new life was to be a resource for those coming into this unfortunate journey of loss and grief.

Writing my blog along the years and eventually writing my book Grief Blessings, was part of that shift into the next thing. Whatever it is I’m ready. I continue to be amazed at what God has in store for me in the future.

Until next time

M