The Will Not to Cry

Tears are healing they say for the soul. I’ve read it many times that allowing yourself to cry releases the pain you hold onto during times of grief and pain. I believe, through experience, that this is true. During my journey I have come to understand the importance of allowing yourself to cry when  your body tells you it’s time.

So much is distilled in our tears, not the least of which is wisdom in living life. From my own tears, I have found, when  you follow your tears, you find your heart. – Ken Gire

In reading Susan Duke’s book Grieving Forward – Embracing Life Beyond Loss she speaks about tears and how in her own life after the death of her son it took her about six months before she could will herself not to cry. I think that timing is probably different for many, but I think for me it was about three months. Perhaps through my previous experience of loss I was able to “deal” with it better. I am not sure, but it also was at the holidays – where I cried endlessly for days and nights. I think at some point I was spent.

Through my many readings on grief, I came to understand the importance of crying and how if you hold it in for too long, it can cause many physical and emotional symptoms. I used to call it “the lump in my throat” – seemed like it lasted forever. Now after five years, I can manage my tears well. I have control over when I let it go and when I keep it in. I also understand that it takes constant viligence to keep things in check. It doesn’t come natural and if anyone thinks it gets easier – it does not. You just learn to manage it better.

Duke says “Deep sorrow requires release”. She goes onto explain that unexpressed grief can become a “powder keg” of emotion. And that tears are part of our immune system and if not released, can bring about harmful effects both emotionally and physically. One of my most favorite quotes from  her book is:

“Let your tears flow, for they are the silent voice of  your heart.”  (Duke)

So if you need to cry – cry. Don’t be afraid of your tears. Find the time to give  yourself a break and release the pain and sorrow that resides in your heart. It is crucial to your healing to continue the journey, to not get stuck because you are afraid to speak your child’s name or to tell their story, or to just reminisce about them. It’s ok. Don’t let anybody tell you any different.

until next time

m

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Tears

Tears drop from my face like water drips from an old leaky faucet. Slowly reaching its destination and splashing it’s pain around. Tears are suppose to be healing they say – but I say they sting my eyes like daggers. I’m spent with nothing but red and swollen eyes and my heart – yeah it’s still broken. – Mal

As Time Passes

As time passes I find I no longer look for those moments when I am overwhelmed with a wash of grief that suddenly comes over me and when I least expect it. I stopped expecting it a year or so ago. But funny thing – it still comes, it still stings and it still hurts just as badly.

As I wandered about my place today I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling disconnected, unmotivated to do anything, talk to anyone or spend time with anyone. I was upset with myself because it is not like me to be that way. Then tears filled my eyes and I felt as if I’d been stabbed in the heart by the sting of grief.

You see if you have never experienced it, you can’t even imagine it. But if you have experienced this type of grief – you know perfectly well what I’m saying. Try as you may to not think about it, dwell on it or give it any residence in your mind – it still shows up. It’s like a bad ache, an itch you can’t scratch, a feeling of gloom that comes over like a black cloud on a sunny day that brings a burst of rain so strong it blows you over and you are covered in tears like a watershed of rain.

The hard part is letting it happen. Letting the work of grief do it’s thing and then releasing it into the world giving it it’s due. Because I’ll tell you if you fight it will fight harder. I have found it’s easier to just let it happen. Let the pain come, the tears flow, the sorrow cry out in prayer to God because that is how it gets released.

I miss my daughter with every part of my being. More than I can ever share. More than I could ever write about. There is nothing that I could write that would describe the emptiness I have in my heart that will never be replaced. As this fifth Christmas comes to an end and the tears flow I am still thankful, still grateful and still hopeful for the future.

until next time

m

Tears Flow – Pain Breaks – Joy Awaits

Tears flow so easily this time of year. Although tears can be healing they also allow the pain to
break through from a heart that is broken. But what I know to be true is joy awaits those
who chose to work through the pain, through the tears.

So often I find myself in situations where I am caught in a  moment of time that makes me yearn for the things I’ve lost.  The dreams unrealized. The future once believe now just a faint memory. And yet I can still see joy. It is always a choice to see joy and it also isn’t a choice to see pain and sorrow. That is the reality of life; a life spent making my way through tears, pain and sorrow.

Yet I am here today saying that I have found a little joy. Probably has always been there, just blinded by my own sorrow unable to see it, taste it, feel it or believe in it. The amazing joy found in one’s soul can be so healing.

Healing in a way that makes you believe in life again. That purpose is possible beyond my pain. A type of joy that makes you want to get up in the morning for the first time in many years and say “I’m happy to be alive”.

Who knows how long this joy will last. My guess is well I just don’t know. Even if it is for a short time, it has profoundly changed my life right now. So I’m gonna stay with right now. Because right now for the first time in my life I know who I am.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that I was put here for a purpose and to be who God intended me to be. I am a changed person because I understand that it is ok to be me. To know that my pain, my sorrow and my tears are part of who I am.

God has sent me many people during my journey through the dark times. I believe He will always have my back. And I believe in the simple, yet profound story that God is only about love. He is not about judging people; He is not about bringing about pain and sorrow; He is about healing. He is about love.

I choose to believe in the goodness of others. I choose to pay it forward when I can. I choose to believe that people should be kinder. I believe people should be more grateful. I believe we should all be more thankful.

Tomorrow is not a given. If you think it is… go back to the post that reads “The Saddest Day of My Life” and you’ll be forever changed.

untill next time

m