West Jefferson

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Last week we traveled to West Jefferson, North Carolina and stayed at our friends family cabin. It’s been there family for generations and our friends Justin and Anthony have spent countless hours revitalizing it over the years. It’s just a lovely cabin/cottage where love, peace and quiet abound.

Photo Pisgah Heights Cabin

Last week marked the 20th anniversary of my daughter Brittany’s death. It’s baffling to me that it’s been that long while sometimes it feels like it was yesterday. Justin and Anthony asked me how did I want to spend this week and the cabin seemed like the best spot to write, talk and reflect on the life before and how far I’ve come.

There is a calm and serene feeling in the mountains. I’ve  never been a “mountain” girl; but more so a beach girl. But since we were first introduced to this lovely place in 2013, it’s been a place where the noise melts away and makes way for a peace that is indescribable. Being there this past week meant a great deal to me and I appreciated the invite.

We had a great time spending it playing games; rediscovering West Jefferson, Blowing Rock and Boone. The winery in West Jefferson is one of my favorite places. We went a few years ago at Christmas time and it was just beautiful. The Christmas trees and holiday décor and treats brought the feeling of the holidays to the forefront.

Photo – View of the Cabin

I’m pretty sure we missed the peak of fall colors but we did get to see the  beginning and I’ll take that any day. The temps were lovely. Saturday and Sunday it rained but we made the most of it by playing games, visiting a brewery and enjoying local eatery.

Spent some time remembering my sweet Brittany through memories shared and reading posts made by her forever friends who continue to this day posting messages about how she impacted their lives. It really warms this broken hearted mama’s heart, the soothing balm that was much needed. I’m forever grateful to them for not forgetting her.

I’m also struck by those who didn’t know her, but ask about her. Wanting to know her because it was important to them to hear her story. People really don’t know how much it means to keep their memories fresh in our minds by talking about them. I’m just so grateful people still want to listen.

Brittany loved nature. She enjoyed going to camp and being outdoors. She learned to scuba dive. She held snakes (didn’t get that from me). She would have loved this cabin. I highly recommend visiting West Jefferson NC. Pisgah Heights is a great place to stay and enjoy the quiet with a distinct sound of water rushing (from down below). A morning cup of coffee and the views simply cannot be beat. The cabin is available for rental and if interested, I can send you the link for more info.

Until next time,

M

Photo The Old Barn Winery

Photo Old Barn Winery Christmas Trees

Photo Mercedes and Murhy enjoying a free stroll

Photo Ashe County Farmers Market with framily

20 Years Ago

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As I sit here this morning watching a beautiful sunrise in the mountains, I can’t help but remember my beautiful Brittany. She died 20 years ago this morning. This quiet place offers a kind of solace, but it also brings me close to a memory I do not often allow myself to revisit.

West Jefferson, NC

The pain from that traumatic morning has been quietly tucked into a place in my heart that is rarely accessed. It is too painful to relive, even these many years later. I can only go there once a year, and even then, most years it is too much. The sorrow that shoves its way out of my throat is traumatic all by itself. I honestly don’t want to experience that level of grief anymore. It’s exhausting. I’m tired. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel it. I just don’t want to speak it.

The ability to remember and honor her, measured against the sorrow and heartbreak that follows, is often too much to bear. One quarter of my old life is scarred over in my heart and left there to remind me what a blessing it is to bring life into this world, and also what heartbreak can come from death too soon. That part of me will forever remain, regardless of the future I have built.

Brittany 1988-2006

In order to survive my daughter’s death, I focused on creating a new life. One where I could have purpose. One that showed me love and joy could coexist with sorrow and grief. I have built that life, and it is filled with love, relationships, and laughter. There are few people in my circle today who met Brittany. My family, of course, and a few long-time friends, but most people know of her because they ask. Knowing about her is knowing about me.

I’m different now in many ways. I’m stronger and more resilient, but also more reserved. I was, for the most part, an extrovert up until Brittany’s passing. Her death took the very wind from my sails and left me wanting to retreat, to be alone with my grief. I’m more of an introvert than an extrovert now. It seems more natural for me. The circle around me is very small. I let few people into my world, not because I don’t want to, but because it’s hard to let people in. It’s a fear, not based in fact, but in experiences that have made love feel tied to loss. Rationally, I know that is not true, but having lost so many people in my family has created a narrative in my head and heart where it feels true.

So many of you have been following my story for all these years, and I’m so humbled by that. I know many of you have your own stories of loss, along with similar thoughts and feelings. Thank you for making space for mine.

Until next time,

Mal

 

Mindfulness

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One of the ways I have transitioned my grief is through the process of being more mindful about my thoughts. Earlier on my journey, I would let grief swallow me up to where I’d end up in a puddle of tears, choking on my grief. I was a mess. All the crying and sorrow kept me from seeing the light right in front of me. It was like a shroud had engulfed me and I couldn’t see my way out it.

When I began to spend more time writing my thoughts down in a journal, I found I could sort them out better. From there I found I could see my grief, my thoughts, and my feelings differently. Being mindful about why I felt a certain way created a space to redirect my grief and to channel it into something that could be a vessel of change. Sometimes it felt like I was wrestling some of those thoughts and feelings to the ground because they were so big and painful. The beautiful gift that can come from mindfulness is the shift in focus from the pain of my daughter’s death to honoring my daughter’s life. That was profound and life-changing for me. It can be for you, too.

Chapter 17 – Afterword – New Beginnings

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Grief. 

‘Grief changes you and the people you connect with. Even 16 years later, my grief, my loss impacts those close to me. My close relationships suffer. And although I try to ignore it or “fix” it, grief has no timeline. Let me say that again: grief has NO timeline.  I find that I keep to myself, burying my thoughts and feelings because, seriously, who wants to hear repeatedly how badly I miss my daughter? Who wants to be around me during the months when I’m distant and moody? I don’t even want to talk about it. It opens old wounds. The scars of a battle I lost, and one that I didn’t even know how to fight. But each year I try and I’ll keep working at it. I’m a warrior.”

The scars of a battle I lost, and one that I didn’t even know how to fight.

Everyone’s response to grief is different; their ability to manage the battle internally and externally can be vastly different from your own experience. Because everyone is different, the help you seek or the therapy you receive may look different, too. That’s ok. Just get help. Talk. Write. Mentor. Practice mindfulness.

Up next – Mindfulness

Until Next Time

Mal

Chapter 17 – Afterword – New Beginnings

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Below is an excerpt from my book that I felt compelled to share over the next few days. Every Fall brings my grief to the forefront of my life. Regardless of how long it’s been, this will always be how my grief plays out during this season.

Stay with me as I share this chapter and the words of encouragement and new beginnings that are possible.

Book Cover: Grief Blessings – A Story of Unimaginable Grief and Unexpected Blessings

“The powerful surge of sorrow and grief, and the magnitude of the empty space that resides in my heart and in my life since Brittany died, is real. It’s not some story that happened to me. Every October 13th, I am reminded my journey is far from over. Some days it feels like I just started this journey yesterday, and other days it seems like a lifetime ago.

Externally, it can look like how your relationships look with your family, your friends, perhaps your marriage or your loved ones. Some relationships struggle after loss but make it through, and unfortunately some don’t. The grief is so powerful. It takes hold of you and plows through you like a wrecking ball. And the unfortunate truth is those who love you feel the brunt of grief, too. They grieve who you used to be or who they want you to be.”

Mal

#grief#griefjourney #griefsupport #griefblogger #griefawareness #childloss #griefblessings

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BookBaby Publishing: https://store.bookbaby.com/book/grief-blessings

Barnes & Noble: Grief Blessings at Barnes & Noble

Amazon: Grief Blessings on Amazon

Grief in the Moments of Special Occasions.

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There is a particular sorrow that gathers around the special occasions a child should have lived to see. It rises at graduations, at weddings, at the imagined sound of little grandchildren calling their name. These moments do not simply mark what has been lost in the past; they reveal what has been taken from the future. For bereaved parents, grief is not only missing the child who was, but also mourning the life that would have unfolded around them. Many, like myself, have written a great deal about type of grief and is commonly discussed in grief counseling sessions/groups.

A graduation may come and bring with it the sharp awareness of the empty seat, the absent photograph, the name that is never called. A wedding can carry a similar ache, not only because a beloved child is missing from the gathering, but because the heart cannot help but picture what their own celebration might have been. Grief at these times can feel especially disorienting because the world expects joy, while the bereaved parent is carrying both love and devastation at once. Guidance on grief and milestones often notes that these dates can intensify memory, anticipation, and the sense of absence, even many years after the loss. 

My daughter died at the beginning of her senior year. Once May arrived, the anguish that ensued was at times traumatic. Her school provided time during graduation to have friends speak about her and presented us with an honorary diploma. It left me with a sense of sadness at what could have been, that has never left me.

Perhaps one of the loneliest aspects of child loss is grieving what will never be fully known: the partner they might have loved, the home they might have made, the grandchildren they might have held. These are invisible losses, but they are no less real. They live in the imagination, in family gatherings, in passing years, and in every tender wondering of “what would have been.” Bereaved-parent organizations often speak of child loss as a lifelong grief because the love remains, and because new milestones continue to arrive carrying fresh reminders of what could have been

Yet even in these painful moments, love continues to shine through. To miss these occasions so deeply is to testify to the lasting place a child holds in a parent’s heart. The grief may change shape over time, but it does not mean the child is forgotten; it means they are still loved into every season, every celebration, and every silence. Special occasions can become places where sorrow and remembrance meet, and where a parent quietly honors the child who should still be here.

Until next time,

Mal

Grief Long Term

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Grieving has been described differently by many. The rules of the road vary for everyone. Grief is unique that way. But one thing I think can resonate with everyone and that is “grief is long term”. There is no “short term” grieving. It’s a lifelong arduous journey that navigates us to places within our hearts, minds and souls that we could have not imagined. 

My grief is so very different than it was 15, 10, 5 years ago. It is more “chronic” if you will. It doesn’t feel any different from day to day. Some days I do struggle more than others. I have recognized through the many years that while keeping grief at arm’s length, I do have to regularly let it in and “manage” it. 

What I know for sure is that you DO have to manage it. Otherwise, it will manifest itself in other ways – health, relationships and most of all your own mental health. We tend to think it is much easier to just avoid it. But the long-term impact is that the emotions and stress of loss will continue to lurk behind the scenes of your life until one day you come face-to-face with it. Grief smacks you upside the head and says “yeah, I’m still here”.

As I approach the 20th year of my daughter’s passing, I’ve had to reevaluate how I manage my grief. You see, grief is fluid and it changes over time. In the past, I tended to avoid it at all costs. And did so for many years. It was my idea of survival. It had seemed as if everyone around me had moved on with their lives. And while I was faced with moving on as well, it was different for me. The dreams shattered of what I had hoped for my daughter and myself. The plans we made as mother and daughter were no longer valid. 

Now I have regular grief sessions where I spend time in prayer, reading and writing. What I have found is that the depth of grief is not has profound. It’s manageable. But if I skip over it or ignore it, the pain and sorrow become overwhelming. 

A mother’s loss is so profound, I can not even put it into words. The death of an only child even more profound. There is NO escape from it. This reality haunts me every single day – whether is shows or not. 

This is what long term grief looks like for me. 

How about you?

Until Next Time,

M

#grief #griefjourney #griefsupport #griefblogger #griefawareness #childloss #griefblessings

https://store.bookbaby.com/book/grief-blessings

Turning the Page

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I haven’t written in a few months, which is unlike me, but we have been through it these past few months. Hell, we’ve been through it during 2024 and 2025. We are ready to turn the page and start 2026 with a grateful but tired heart.

In April 2025 we finally finished the repairs on our house thanks to Hurricane Milton. It was a constant battle to keep the project moving forward and when it didn’t it seemed as though we were trudging uphill through mud. We, like many others found our savings depleted along with our mental and physical health. 2024 and 2025 took a measurable toll on us.

One of the last unimaginable moments came to us just before Christmas as our dear Mimi fell ill. We had just stepped off the plane from a NYC trip and quickly turned to the hospital where she’d been transferred to be admitted into a cardiac unit.

As the week unfolded it became increasingly clear she would not walk out of the hospital. You see, as a nurse and a granddaughter, I’d seen this before. The body succumbing to the late stages of congestive heart failure (CHF). My grandmother died from a long battle with CHF in 1995 while I was at her bedside. Watching her struggle to breathe was the hardest thing outside of my mother dying five years earlier.

Just days into the new year, she passed away peacefully during a short stay in hospice care. Mimi was like my own grandmother in so many ways; and I loved her so much. Being an orphaned daughter/granddaughter, Mimi’s love for me was so needed and appreciated. Her hugs were the absolute best. We had a kinship and bond because we both had lost children. She knew the pain I carried and never really needed to talk about it. But those hugs were the best balm for my heart over the years. For the last 15 years, she called me every year on my birthday to sing happy birthday and then giggle and say goodbye. She wasn’t much of a talker on the phone, but boy could she write a letter. She was a great pen pal over the many years.

She was a faithful woman and cherished her family. She lived a great life of 90 years and raised an amazing family, for which I’m grateful to be a part of.  She will be missed greatly by this family and many friends.  

Fly High Mimi

Until Next Time,

M

Today is her angel day.

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I usually spend my daughter’s death day in quiet reflection and self-care. It has been the best way, for me, to manage the washboard of grief that comes near my daughter’s death day and birthday. I take a deep heavy sigh after the days pass as if it is another milestone achieved. Never celebratory, but making it through yet another date on the calendar that reminds me of a past life where I lived as a mother and this present life that is vastly different. The two often collide this time of year. 

There is a struggle that happens as September comes and while I’ve been at this grief journey for many years, I find there are just some things I don’t want to think about or write about anymore. The pain is too deep and wounds still raw with pain and anguish. Facing this loss year after year can be just too much to bear. As I write this, tears spill from my eyes because I still cannot believe she was taken from me. The questions of why her, why me, may never be answered. But yet I ask.

I hide this as best I can because the vulnerability of it can take a toll on not only me, but the person experiencing it with me. It is the loneliest journey one can be on. It’s a lifetime of flashbacks, of pain and sorrow. It is a wound that never truly heals. This time each year, it’s like the wound opens up and the pain so severe it takes my breath away.

I know hiding is not the answer because the pain and sorrow comes out in my behavior. I withdrawal and become unsociable. I hide behind the pain so no one else can see it. Only those close to me see through it. How can it not? My only child died.

Nothing will ever change that.

Until next time,

Mal

The Essence of Her

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My mother has been gone for 37 years and while I miss her so very much; I’m not the 31 year old pregnant mother that I was when she died. Today, at 68, I grieve the concept of not having a mother in my life. A mother to help me through the darkest times of my life. To laugh with me. To hug me when I need a hug only a mother can give. I have never really looked at it this way, but in retrospect, it makes total sense. 

My mom was always so very supportive. She never offered advice unless it was solicited and then she did not hold back. She would always end it with “I may not agree with you, but it is ultimately your decision and one you’ll have to live with”. That one always got me. I feel lucky to have had 31 years with her.

I have a letter she wrote me while I was living in Dallas trying to find my build my career in advertising and marketing. She wasn’t fond of me living alone in the “big city”, but supported me all the way. In that letter, her encouragement of me was written in love and trust. She knew she’d raised me to make the right decisions. And while I did not always, I understood the consequences and was prepared to make things right.

Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I see her and occasionally, that image has stopped me in my tracks. It is in those moments, that I truly miss her and the essence of her. A girl never outgrows needing her mother’s love.

Until Next Time,

M