Fall is coming and it is the time of year where my grief becomes more visible to others. While some might not understand that is grief, they will detect a quietness of my soul. I begin to internalize my sadness. It is somewhat of a protective thing I do thinking it will make me feel better – when it really does not. I also think it isn’t something someone wants to hear about. I mean it’s coming up on 18 years. Longer than she walked this earth.

That is the very reason it hits hard this year. The distance between that life and this life is growing each year. The memories harder to recall quickly. If it were not for photos and videos, I’d not recall her voice. Her laughter.

So if you are around me this Fall, and you don’t see that normal spark, it is the season – the season of grief like a veil that covers me until January. Yes, I’ll still laugh. I’ll still find joy. But there will be moments of grief that washes over me and takes my breath away. This is the life I have now and it’s ok. I understand how it works. It’s taken me a long time to get to this moment of understanding and acceptance. But I don’t have to be happy about it. I just find purpose in it.

I know many of you understand this too. You are not alone. We will see the other side of the sadness as it lifts and a new season begins.

Until next time,

Mal

Photo: taken 8/31/13 in West Jefferson, NC