As many of you know who’ve followed my journey for a while now, September – December is what I call my “season of grief”. My mom died in September; my daughter died in October and then her birth month is November. Mix in the holidays, which I continue to struggle with and my season of grief ends with the start of a new year.

For the past few weeks I’ve noticed that when something comes up about an event or someone’s interview that occurred before the year of Brittany’s death, I think to myself “Brittany was still alive then”. Have you ever done that? I’m not sure why that is happening other than it’s just that season I’m in.

Validation of a loved one’s walk on this earth happens when memories spark a thought or conversation. We talk about our loved ones to keep their memories alive, not only for us, but for others. Talking about them is essential to our continued healing. I know I don’t have to tell you that memories begin to fade. It has been 36 years since my mother passed away from breast cancer. I can barely remember her now. I have memory moments, like holiday dinners; or things she’d say to me that comes back to me when a similar situation presents itself. But it pains me beyond measure that I cannot remember her voice. I have no recording of her voice. The pictures I have are beginning to fade.

That scares me as I think about Brittany. That I could forget things about her. Thankfully I have video of her voice and her laugh which brings me joy and pain at the same time. I’m so grateful for the ability to go back in time and see and hear her laugh; her singing and the just pure joy she exuded even up to the last months of her life.

I don’t talk as much about my mom as I do Brittany, but I’ll never forget the letter she wrote me telling me I could achieve anything I put my mind to. I was in my 20’s when she wrote that and every time I felt the struggle of life’s decisions or situations, I’d get that letter out and reread it. Still do today.

Grief moments will happen the rest of my life, and I will always continue to say their name. To share their life because they did live. I owe them that. I owe myself that.

Bathe in those grief moments and reflect on the joy and gratitude of having them in your life albeit for a short time.

Until next time,

Mal