It’s October and that has historically been a month of reflection and sorrow after losing my only child Brittany 10-13-06. This October 13th will be 18 years since she passed away. She would have turned 18 the following month but she didn’t quite make it. Now she has been gone longer than she breathed life on this earth. That is profound for me.

The memories of her continue to fade much like memories of my mom faded after her death two months before Brittany was born. That is what is so difficult to deal with at this state of my grief – the loss of memories, the sound of their voices, the magic of their heart and soul and the impact on my life.

I have VHS (yes, for those who are too young to remember, these preceded DVDs) of her and other family members which I’ve been slowly moving to digital format. Today I have been watching video of her as a 2 yr old and it seems so odd to me as I don’t clearly remember these moments anymore. It’s like watching a stranger (me) in these videos. Only my voice sounds similar like it does today. It’s like looking into a looking glass in a world that existed in a past life.

I’m so grateful for these videos and will cherish them for the remainder of my days. It reminds me she lived. I was her mom and she was my daughter. And while that statement created a swell of tears in my eyes, I only have joy with a touch of sadness. I am proud to have created life and while she had a tumultuous life at times, she was the greatest achievement in my life.

I miss her with every fiber of my body.

Until next time,

M