Each year I dread this post. Each year I dread sitting down and writing how I feel about the best and worst thing that ever happened to me over a course of 18 years. And that doesn’t even take into account the loss of my mom and grandmother.

November 30th, Brittany came into this world against her will was an indicator of how stubborn she would be in her future years. A last minute caesarean section brought a girl and from all previous testing indicated I was having a boy.

This meant a lot to me as I had just lost my mom three months before and still reeling from that loss; the loss of my best friend. Between the raging hormones of childbirth and the overwhelming thoughts of being a mom, with the only knowledge of what my mom taught me; I made the best of it. A newborn that I’d tried so hard to conceive for years finally was mine. Little did I know I was in for the most devastating journey of my life.

Nothing came easy. The only thing that made any sense to me was the love that overwhelmed me every time I looked at her. I managed these early days fairly alone without much help and because of that, I’m sure we bonded even more.

She was the light of my life. As she grew through the years, she consistently demonstrated love and compassion to anyone who crossed her path. She was a friend to all. She loved unconditionally. I was so proud of the young woman she was evolving into. Then….

Fast forward to her 17th year and the constant battles with Crohn’s disease and epilepsy made the beginning of her senior year increasingly difficult. Her health declined and despite a stay at Cleveland Clinic to determine what treatment we could do to decrease her seizure activity, we were told there was nothing we could do.

Two weeks later on October 13th, a fatal seizure took her life after multiple attempts over 12 hours to save her. It took the breath out of my lungs and broke my heart into a million pieces. A piece of me died that day. And while I write about grief a lot, this was a moment in time that I did not know how to go on.

Most don’t understand what this type of loss does to a parent, especially a mother who carried this child into this life. Even after 18 years after her death, it is still devastating to me. Most wouldn’t know it as I learned to hide it well. Except at the holidays and her birthday and angel day. Which are the hardest days of them all. Mother’s Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas all bring more pain than they do joy. Most wouldn’t know it as I learned to hide it well.

I walk through this season with a heavy heart and while I don’t expect anyone to remember this far out, I do wish people would understand it is still very hard. Very hard. As I get older it feels even more devastating. When I see my friends and family’s children who would have been Brit’s age, having their own families, it stings. It’s heartbreaking and at the same time, I am so happy for them. But there is a small part of me that always will ask “why me?”.

One day I hope to know that answer. Why this task given to me to live my life in the midst of grief. What about me made me a great candidate to live out this life of loss. I don’t know now, so all I can do is write and hope people like me don’t feel so alone. This journey is one of the loneliness and it at times is exhausting.

But I stop and remember the most amazing girl, my Brittany and I am filled with love and joy because she was my shining beacon of the goodness in the world. Which feels so lost right now.

I can only hope that through her life example; that I will continue to lift up, light and goodness of the world will return and we will once again lead with love and light.

Until next time,

M