After my daughter passed away in 2006, I documented my grief journey on my blog not thinking how it would evolve over time. During those early days/weeks/months, I just needed to push the heaviness of my daughter’s death off my heart. Needing to breathe and reduce the immense pressure that constantly weighed on me. Below is an excerpt from my book describing how I felt about conveying my thoughts and feelings:

As I reflect on the details of Brittany’s life and death in the previous chapters, I wonder how I can possibly convey the depth of feeling, the overwhelming grief and sadness I experienced, in a meaningful way. The truth is that words aren’t enough. They can never be enough to express love or despair, joy or heartbreak. Yet words are all we have. – Chapter 7 Grief Blessings

I wrote often about crying during those early days and weeks. Despite my efforts to suppress my grief so that I could function, I fell to the floor on many occasions unable to control the waterboarding of grief. Returning to work seemed futile as that was an indicator of moving on and that I could not comprehend. Going back to work felt as though I was moving on and making sense of that did not come easy. After three weeks, I was able to return to the job I loved so much and it was the beginning of some type of normalcy. 

Those early days were a struggle for me. I often walked around with a lump in my throat “grief” and it kept me from eating. Feeling as though recognizing the grief would lead to a complete collapse, I stuffed it. Only to get home from a long day and barely making into my front door before falling to the floor in complete grief-filled agony. This went on for months.

Grief doesn’t care that you’re in Michael’s. It doesn’t care that you’re in Cabo San Lucas, surrounded by the beauty of God’s creation. It doesn’t care that you’re in a movie theater, or at work, or among friends and family. It tugs at that rope when it wants to, hoping it will catch you off balance and drag you back into despair. There are no rules with this magnitude of loss. Grief takes you where it wishes, when it wishes, and however long it wishes. – Chapter 7 Grief Blessings

My journals and blog have allowed me to reflect upon my grief journey and most importantly to see the progress I’ve made over the years. Grief changes who you are and who you become. There are no rules. Grief is our teacher. The lessons we learn along the way form who we are on the other side of loss. Grief teaches us that there is pain in loving. 

My book “Grief Blessings” available on Amazon. Personalized and signed books available via the link on the right side of the blog page.

Until next time,

M