Author: Grief Blessings

Chapter 15
Slippery Sheep and Healed Hurts

“You anoint my head with oil.” – Psalm 23:5 NKJV

The continuing blog experience through Max Lucado’s book “Traveling Light“

Ok so I have not wanted to write about this chapter. I’ll give you three reasons why – death, loss and disappointment. Not an easy task writing about the events in your life that have caused you such pain, sorrow and misery. Even though the healing has begun, the holes that have been placed upon my heart will forever remain. Which I believe, makes my vision so much clearer when it comes to grief and the disappointment that comes from experiencing loss.

In the three years and seven months since my daughter’s death I have known what is like to have wounds that seem as if they would never heal. That life just couldn’t be the same, or couldn’t be worth living without my daughter’s bright light that made life so worth living for. In the days and weeks after her death, I lost an incredible amount of weight. My clothes became very loose, the skin on my face seemed to just hang like the clothes; the luster gone from my life. The disappointment of my loss was so very visible during this time.

For many months I prayed for God to ease the pain and the space in my heart that ached with every beat. And over time, I felt like the sheep in Lucado’s story – the shepherd bathed the sheep with oil to keep the bugs from attacking them while they grazed on the pastures. For me God began in subtle ways to bathe my heart with His oil. And slowly but surely I began to come back into the light. But the light, it was hazy and not very bright. Something was missing and I couldn’t see because the pain was still so very evident as I moved throughout my days.

The sorrow still very present, although I was becoming very good at hiding it. So many things had gone wrong in my life for so long, I couldn’t see clearly anymore – life had become this vast space of nothing to me. I was able to work without too  much difficulty, which was a blessing. I had seen such a financial fall out from her death that having a job and being able to work kept me busy. But underneath – life was meaningless.

But God being who He is continued to bathe my wounded heart with oil and I began to gain weight and I looked a little healthier. I even began exercising again. Exercise had always meant a great deal to me and it gave me a way to “work out” my pain. Even though I was still grieving terribly over the loss of my daughter, my life and everything I held dear to me; I still could see I was moving toward a new life. The oil was working.

Lucado mentions something interesting in this chapter and I found it very helpful and a reminder that I am still being covered with oil, that God is still on task – taking care of His sheep. Lucado says this about life “The large portion of our problems are not lion-sized attacks, but rather the day-to-day swarm of frustrations and mishaps and heartaches.” I was reminded that even though I have come a long way in my grief, it’s the everyday life that can still hold you back from enjoying the life God intended if you don’t stay focused on Him. Let Him bathe you with the oil.

“If the Gospels teach us anything, they teach us that Jesus is a Good Shepherd” Lucado writes. I know God has seen me through some incredibly difficult times over my many years. I also know that God has a wonderful life still prepared for me, and my job, it’s pretty simple really. I just have to believe. I have to be willing to be bathed with the oil. I have to give up control and let God do what He does best. Heal.

until next time,

m

Chapter 14
The Crowing Rooster and Me
A Journey through the burden of shame…..

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. – Psalm 23:5 NKJV

I’ll have to admit this wasn’t an easy chapter to read nor to write about. There was one sentence though that really struck me and that is: “The one who will speak with power is weeping in pain.” In this chapter Lucado speaks about Peter’s betrayal of Jesus and how horribly shameful Peter must have felt. Jesus was already fully aware that Peter was going to betray him even before Peter did. As it is written we know that: “But Jesus said, ‘Peter, before the rooster crows this day, you will say three times that you don’t know me.'” Luke 22:33-34

After reading this chapter I realized that even though the many times I have drifted away from God, how many times I felt broken because I wondered if He cared enough for me. Throughout my life, the times when life was just barely worth living, when all around me life was crashing in, I would look up and ask God “Where are you?” “Don’t you care about me anymore?” But the one thing I’ve never, ever done is deny God. I may have been crushed by life, but I have never given up hope.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve come very close to giving up because the burden of life had become extraordinarily hard to bear. Loss after loss life seemed full of tragedy and failure for me. Even as a young child and moving through the many years of life I have often wondered if I was even suppose to be here on this earth. What possible reason would it serve to continue when my heart was so broken, my soul so lost and my life bleeding out before anyone to see. Yet I am still here.

Lucado speaks of that place where one goes when they feel they have betrayed God with sin. That in our boasting we proclaim that we no longer will do whatever it was that brought us such shame. Yet rather than resisting the temptation, we return to it. Then we again relive the cycle of hearing the “rooster crow” and the “conviction of our sin” and then we weep. We go back to our old lives because it is what we know. And for me one of the most gut-wrenching statements, Lucado states “And we question whether Jesus has a place for folks like us.” I too somedays when I feel lost, I ask that same question. Have I gone so far that there is no way back.

Lucado goes on to show us through Peter’s conviction and Jesus’ grace we all, no matter what we have done, have a place at the table with our God. The one who made us and the one that loves us – unconditionally. I know that at times a hurting soul finds that hard to believe. Trust me I know it well. But I also believe in the most simplistic truth – God loves me and I hold onto that every single second, minute of every single day. Otherwise I wouldn’t be able to keep moving forward.

until next time

m

Chapter 13

Silent Nights and Solitary Days

The Burden of Loneliness

You are with me. – Psalm 23:4 NKJV

****** Warning ***** this will be a very real and painful look at what loneliness looks like ************** if it makes you uncomfortable – then do something about it *****

• Here are some great excerpts from Max Lucado’s Traveling Light:
• A person can be surrounded by a church and still be lonely.
• Loneliness is not the absence of faces.
• It is the absence of intimacy.
• Loneliness doesn’t come from being alone; it comes from feeling alone.
• Feeling as if you are: facing death alone; facing disease alone; facing the future alone.

I have and sometimes still do experience all of the above. It sometimes feels like a weight that has become too difficult to bear. I have felt this type of loneliness since my daughter’s death – the still quietness of the house were we lived became so deafening – I had to leave it.

Funny thing is it still follows you wherever you go. Relentless loneliness, even while in the midst of people, is a constant cross to bear. I have tried to shake on numerous occasions, and just when you think you have shaken it off – there it is. Sneaking up on you and reminding you that it will be with you always.

So what do you do with that? Lucado eludes to the fact that perhaps its God’s way of stripping you down so that He can have your full out attention. That God wants you to come to Him with this loneliness that won’t leave you. All the other noise and stuff you’ve tried to distract yourself with hasn’t really been working. I can say I’ve tried just about everything I know. Not much works. Except God.

So why am I still battling this loneliness – fear – oh yeah we discussed that in the previous blog post. Fear keeps me from experiencing connections with people. Why – I have a fear of loss that is profound – because it is what I know. It’s all I know. It has become who I am.

Lucado asks the reader to underline the following words: You Are Not Alone!

“Your family may turn against you, but God won’t. Your friends may betray you, but God won’t. You may feel alone in the wilderness, but you are not. He is with you. And because He is, everything is different, you are different.”

I can say that when I stay focused on God – I can see that. I can feel that. But it is a full-time job to stay focused on God. It is not easy to remain on high-alert 24/7 and not be exhausted.  It’s so easy to turn to earthly things to satisfy the craving for love. But Lucado says this “When you know God loves you, you won’t be desperate for the love of others.”

Lucado uses the analogy of a person hungry who shops at the market on an empty stomach. So does the person who suffers from loneliness. We shop for anything that will satisfy our craving for love. Not because we need it, but because we are hungry for it. I have done that often with so many things, but in the end I still end up feeling lonely.

I have learned that when my eyes are off God, the loneliness is overwhelmingly hard to bear. The quiet is deafening, the pain excruciating, and facing the future alone is dark and scary. So you see – if you know me – you know that the life I had before looks nothing like the life I have now. The once joyous and life-loving person is now just an empty shell. Existing in a space that is narrow and hard to navigate; not the life I had imagined for myself. Would you?

But as I wait on God, I’ll try to keep my eyes on Him and not on the earthly things that have kept me from moving forward.

Until next time

m