Tag: jesus

You will seek me and find me – Jeremiah 29:13

I mentioned this a few months ago that I wanted to blog through Savannah Guthrie’s book “Mostly What God Does”. I have started that journey this week and while I’m not done reading the book; I did feel compelled to share something that stopped me in my thoughts and sent me back to the moment my daughter died. The trauma of it all. The gravity of it all.

He prays through groans too deep for words. – Romans 8:26

He does our prayer in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs and our aching groans. – Romans 8:26

Wordless sighs and aching groans. Who does that resonate with? It sure did with me. In the early hours, days, weeks and months after Brittany died all I could muster is crying, constant sighing and groaning as if my heart had been ripped from my chest. Which if I’m being honest her death felt like a blow to the chest.

In hindsight, I do believe God heard me, but my pain was so profound, I wasn’t always feeling it. I felt betrayed by God. That he must hate me so much to take my only child. I know that is strong language and now 18 years later, I don’t believe it. But I do still question why. And on some rare days, I say “what could I have ever done to deserve this?” But those days are far and few between and now I’m just left with questioning. It’s unacceptable to say “God’s will”. I implore anyone to never say that to a grieving mother or parent.

My fellow christian friends/family did say that to me and in reflection, it told me they were ignorant of God’s pure love. Love is not demonstrated by religious beliefs not founded in God’s pure love. It is not from the compassionate God.

“Rooted and established in love” – Ephesians 3:17

“Now remain in my love. – John 15:9

“Love your neighbor as yourself” – Mark 12:31

My faith has been impacted by ill meaning christians who have said or demonstrated un-Jesus like behaviors and words. In order to restore, rebuild and live out my faith, I must return to that “child-like” faith where God and I are connected. Savannah wrote this comment in her book and I’ll leave it here.

God’s feelings for us are unshakable. Our feelings about God have nothing to do with or how He feels for us. – Savannah Guthrie “Mostly What God Does”

Until next time,

M