Today I started out in a pretty good mood. Went to church – enjoyed being with my fellow sisters in Christ.

Then, I thought I’d try to shop a little for holiday gifts. All I could do was wander around and look at things – but not really look at things. Nothing appealed to me, not even things that I used to love looking at. I couldn’t even stay inside the Hallmark store. Too many reminders of what is not going to be. I saw the birthday card section and had to leave. I hear Nov. 30th all the time it seems on TV or Radio – I just can’t seem to get a hold of this grief. Maybe this will help you see a small part of how I have gotten this far….

They say firsts are the worst – I recall my mom’s firsts:

September 12 – her birthday

September 16 – her death day

Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and then the terribly painful Mother’s Day.

I was a new mother at the time, you see my mom died at the age of 48 (just 48) from breast cancer – I was 7 months pregnant with Brittany. I had to “buck up” and remember I had a baby to care for – guess where that grief went? Way back – about 5 years – then I finally had to deal with it.

Why so long? Well Britt was born with a hip problem, I had a post-op infection that required about a months worth of daily doctor visits. Mind you, all the while I was mourning the loss of my mom, a normal delivery and healthy child.

So you see, loss is not new to me – I know how to do it. I’m just tired of doing it.

until next time,


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