I have had a few rough days…
Christmas Eve was extremely difficult, but I was comforted by friends and God. Being at church gives me so much comfort and I feel closest to God and to Brittany.
Now I am facing the New Year without her. It’s the absolute worst feeling in the world. I continue to be conflicted between my position in faith and my emptiness of motherhood. I was so lucky to have had 17 years with her. I just wish I’d known that before she died. I know I loved her so much. I wanted so much for her to be happy. Really – she was in the end. I do believe that Andy did that for her. And that God brought Andy and Brittany together because he knew they both needed it. And that I needed to see she could be loved by someone else besides her family. Really not many people in my family knew her well. What they usually saw was how difficult it was to raise her. All of her medical needs/issues were overwhelming sometimes – and living away in other states where there was no family – well it removed most of our family from the day-to-day trials of raising a chronically ill child.
Nevertheless, I would never trade it for anything. It has made me the person I am today. It will continue to influence every decision I make and every person I come in contact with. Why – because it was the way she lived. She touched so many she came in contact with – even at her Celebration of Life. I still get messages and cards from people who just want to tell me how much her story has affected them.
What a blessing to have now. It comforts me beyond belief. Yet it also reminds me of how much I have lost. My one and only child. My one and only love. My one and only.