Entry for July 21, 2007

I’ve been wrestling with the thoughts of why am I left in this place now. I still see no purpose really. The losses I’ve sustained are so many I can’t even begin to share – it’s too painful. But there are two that I can share here now. Those of you who know me, will know what I’m talking about. Those of you who don’t, if you have a strong constitution, review back the past 8 months on this blog and you may get a glimpse of my pain.

In thinking back about losing my mother. I remember how sad I was – even in the midst of preparing for the birth of my daughter Brittany. For two months, I sat in her nursery, which had been prepared lovingly by her father and I. I rocked in the rocker for hours on end. Missing my mom so much. Thinking of how she was going to miss the very thing she always wanted. A grand child from her only daughter. For months after that, I really just went through the motions. Even after Brittany was born, with all that went wrong with the birth and months after, I still felt as if I was looking in on my life, not living it.

That is how I feel now. I keep looking for an out. Something that will tell me I matter. That my existence here will make a difference. I still don’t here it. I’m not sure I will in time to convince me otherwise. If my purpose is to live out a miserable life, I choose not to. Right now things are looking pretty bad. I keep praying for a change, a light, a lifeline – but it doesn’t come.

I try to keep on a “happy” face. Mostly for others. Otherwise I hear all the things I don’t want to hear. Things I don’t need to hear. Those things will not come. For they have died with those I love. My heart has a big hole in it. So big, that it’s bleeding out my soul.

I’ve never felt so useless.

m

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