I still find it difficult…

I am not sure who will be reading this, but I have to write so here it goes…

I find it difficult to look at this flippin’ Christmas Tree. I put it up because that is what I’m suppose to do, right. I need to move forward, be glad, be grateful, be joyful – tis the season. It’s all crap!

I wrote some time ago about not feeling right in my new skin. I don’t know how to live this new life without her. I don’t know how NOT to be a mom. I don’t know how to look at her pictures and not feel the worse possible pain. I don’t know how to look forward to another day, because I don’t. I just want it all to go away. I don’t care if I am here tomorrow. What is the point?

I’ve lost everything. Not much else matters. I keep trying because I have to you know. Not because I want to. Everything I do is because I have to. People say to me they don’t know how I get through every day.

Well…..you see what I choose for you to see. Otherwise you’d all be running the other direction. This grief is scary, painful, dreadful, ugly and it zaps you of every bit of energy and drains your soul. Don’t see the point in taking everyone else with me.

Here is something else to ponder…I hear so much about depression and how counseling may help with sorting it all out… PLEASE! This is just like all the other things we try to do to FIX our lives – medicate the pain. You can’t medicate this type of pain – I’ve tried. The only cure is for it to have not happened at all.

This loss has done me in. I’ve lost so much over my 50 years, but this one has slammed me to the ground so hard I still can’t catch my breath. There is no pill or shrink that can fix that.

Only God can if he chooses. I’ve stopped asking.

until another time

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