I wrote yesterday about Mirror Mirror and how I put on a “face” for everyone to see. You might have wondered if this is working for me. And I’d tell you before this week it absolutely has. But now I must admit that it is not working for me now. I think I’m at a point that I’m ready to move onto the next thing in my life. Not letting people get close to me for fear of them seeing the weakness I feel when I grieve has been my biggest problem.
Somehow I have to find the ability to see the fear for what it is and embrace that fear head on. Fear has kept me from getting out and experiencing life. It has kept me from getting close to anyone, even my own family. Fear has kept me from dating. The fear of losing another person has paralyzed me into solitude. Thing is I hate solitude.
In the many years before Brittany died, I had the stereo on all the time. I loved music and loved to dance around while I cleaned house. Brittany and I used to dance around the house all the time. I would also complain about the TV being on so much. But now, the TV is my friend. It keeps me company. You see I hate the quiet. When it’s quiet my thoughts begin to take me to a place I’d rather not go. Fear begins to creep back in so I turn on the TV and shut out the fear. I bet you think “that’s not working for me either” and you are right.
I’m tired of the noise. The noise inside my head. I’m ready to get back to the person I was. Crazy funny girl who loves music and loves people. Where did she go? I buried her the day my daughter died. Seriously, how could I begin to have fun again? How does one begin to see joy again? Simple, yet so very hard to see – my faith in God has brought me this far my friends. If it weren’t for my faith, I would not be here today.
The fear – need to keep asking God to take it away – help me peel back the layers of fear and see that I do need love in my life. To bring back the color that left October 13, 2006. I have lived in a black & white world for 3 years now and it’s time to add a little color back in. The first step is the embrace fear. To see it for what it is…a stumbling block to healing.
Tomorrow I will write about trust and how trust and fear go hand in hand.
Until next time,