As I approach the 3rd year of seeing another birthday, another Thanksgiving and another Christmas fly by without my sweet baby I feel myself being reeled back into this dark place that seems to always creep back in this time of year. Despite how much better I feel or how much progress I’ve made in my journey, the holidays always seems to bring a darkness that prevails until after January.

Despite my many failed attempts at covering it all up – it’s there. It’s become my new best friend. The expected visitor this time of year. A dark veil drops over my life and nothing seems to matter. The holiday lights look pretty, but they just don’t have that same glow.

You know she would be turning 21 this November 3oth is a milestone I dreamed of for so long and now I will not see it. Oh how I wonder what type of woman she would have become. I have all the faith in the world that she had already begun that transition into womanhood – because she was this beautiful flower just beginning to blossom into what she would become.

Her birthday is tough, but the holidays – well the joy of those days has yet to return. Attending a Thanksgiving with family is painful. Because she should be here. It’s wrong that she is not here to celebrate with the rest of the family. I would rather spend Thanksgiving alone, than to be around family where I am constantly reminded that she is not there by my side.

The tree that I force myelf to put up because I think that possibly one day it will make me smile. For me Christmas is about Jesus and his wonderful entrance into this world. But it also has family memories. Memories from my own childhood and then with Brittany. The tree is a symbol of a life once lived. A life I miss so much. A life I want back. But no that I cannot have back.

Holidays are the toughest time of year for us grievers. Having her angel date, birthdate, Thanksgiving and Christmas all rolled up into a 3 month period is just about too much to bear.  This is where I feel the lonliest, where I feel no one gets it. How could you? You don’t know, because you can’t know. So I suffer in silence, because sharing it openly is admitting I have to feel it.

I share it here on this blog, in hopes that someone, somewhere is reading it and knowing that what they are feeling is normal. And that it is ok to feel sad – because holidays are the worst time of year. But the new year brings with it a renewed hope that something new and fresh will happen and maybe, just maybe a new memory will be made.

Until next time

M