I won’t deny that some days are difficult to get through for us grievers. In fact, some days I would just as soon pull the covers up and over my head and sleep. But I get up because it is the very medicine I need to keep moving forward. But some days….are harder than others.

The thoughts that invade my mind come ever so quickly this time of year. Harder to push them back where they belong – in the dark place. I have to be more cognizant of their ability to disrupt my day or put me in a bad mood. I look up and ask God to help me get through the day. But some days….are harder than others.

The ability to acknowledge that the life I knew is gone becomes increasingly difficult this time of year. It’s as if I don’t have a choice in where my mind goes. What thoughts I think. That is when I lean into God and pray for quiet. A peace that can sustain me. But some days….are harder than others.

Spending time with family is harder this time of year. You would think that it would be easier to have the people who love you around, but seriously, it makes things harder. Why – because then I have to hide how I feel so that it doesn’t ruin their fun. I would feel too guilty and that pressure is too great. So I pray to God for strength.  But some days……are harder than others.

The two-sidedness of my life is exhausting to live. But I find it is the only way I can exist. Crazy as that may seem – it works. The private griever in me wants to be left alone and to withdrawal from the world. The old me – wants to live life out loud and be an outrageous crusader for God. A life conflicted for sure. But some days…..are harder than others.

As God continues to heal my life, my heart, my soul……some days…..are harder than others.

until next time

m