Tug of War

Sometimes I feel like I am a human tug-of-war rope with moving forward on one end and moving backward on the other. This time of year this battle is stronger and harder to fight.

One minute I am smiling and enjoying my moment and then BOOM – I’m reeling in grief and can hardly breathe. Trying to explain that to people has always been difficult for me. It’s hard to explain how it feels to have your heart ripped out. To have your life completely turned upside down.

I wrote the below two years ago and it still holds true today:

Just a note about what I am going through – this may help you gain some perspective.

  • My heart has been ripped away from my chest and will be scared forever by her absence.
  • My reason for living is gone. Now I am left to find a new reason to live. Great.
  • The loneliness of my life is extraordinarily hard to bare.

One day you are someone leading a life that you took for granted, then you are leading a life you never imagined would happen, nor do you want to participate in. But you must.

Grief is so hard. If you have never experienced this magnitude of loss, there are no rules. It takes you where it wishes, when it wishes and how ever long it wishes.

Now – my faith has kept me going. Without my faith I can guarantee you without any doubt that I would not be here now writing. I would have ended the pain that I continually endure.

I can’t imagine enduring this without God. Without my church family. Without my friends and family. Yet it is one of the loneliest journeys I’ve ever had to make. Although it has been 3 years – it feels like yesterday.

Scripture of Comfort! – This one sustains me daily:

The Lord is close to the broken-hearted. He rescues those whose spirits are crushed. – Psalm 34:18

until next time,


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