As I look back at each poem I’ve written and each blog post I’ve posted; I am reminded that this journey is far from over – yet I have traveled a great distance.
The poetry from my heart allows my soul to bleed until the wound heals and love can bloom again. I find writing has been a means by which I can open up my heart and let it bleed out it’s pain. With each drop as it hits the page reflects the parts of my pain that permeates my soul.
My heart bleeds more this time of year, perhaps it’s because it is the holiday season or perhaps it is my season of grieving that will always come and go like the seasons. It always begins in September and ends in January. But there seems to be something a little different this year.
There seems to be a little more anger in my heart this year. This has been a year of finding my purpose – of figuring out why I am here. I seemed to be asking God a lot about why did He left me here when everything that mattered to me had been taken away. For what purpose could my existence make any sense.
Then I read Dr. John Terveen’s book “Hope for the Brokenhearted”. His words were my words. His thoughts were my thoughts. It was if I was walking on his path. I felt as if I had found a comrade in arms, a soldier of grief to stand by me, even if it was in book form.
He wrote about something that I find difficult to convey to others but necessary for others to know. He pointed out that after sustaining such a loss, like the loss of a child, going on with the normal affairs of life seem less interesting. The things that brought us joy no longer do. The color has been removed from our lives.
I have found that my life continues to be very “black and white” – very little color remains. Some days color comes back for brief moments. But soon the desire to recoil back into my cocoon of life returns and I am back living my black and white life. It’s just easier that way.
What Dr. Terveen speaks of is that Jesus’ return should be the hope that we hang onto and believe that it should challenge us to live again. The love again. To have faith and hope again that joy can return to our lives. This is how we honor our loved one’s memory.
“God leads people in different ways to embrace life anew, but those ways invariably will involve the demonstration of genuine faith, love and hope.” – Dr. Terveen
So as I struggle this holiday season, I have to focus on embracing life otherwise life will just become a fragmented poem with no meaning. A poem that cries but has no tears. A story that has a title but no content.
Until next time