“Until the moment when they said “her heart cannot take any more” while a PICU nurse was on top of my daughter performing CPR, looking in her eyes and knowing I was about to lose my daughter – at that moment I chose to believe.” – excerpt from Being Real – Part 2
In the months after my daughter’s death, I found myself wandering around in my life with a numbness that I just couldn’t seem to shake. My faith in God, my belief that God was going to get me through it was kept me going. It kept me alive. It was my decision to believe that saved my life.
I wrote a blog post during this journey about hitting the wall. At some point in your journey you come to a point where it seems as though you are not moving forward. It’s as if you have it a wall that is so hard to move over it. No matter where you turn, no matter where you go that wall keeps you from moving forward.
At some point I began to realize that the numbness I was experiencing was the avoidance I was allowing to happen. I was afraid of moving on. What possibly could be good about moving on in a life without my daughter. None of it made any sense to me at all. It seriously felt as if I had a lump in my throat and I couldn’t get rid of it. That lump in my throat was fear.
“Facing this fear has to be the first step in the recovery of grief. I hit the Wall of Fear and I hit it hard. So this meant I had to do some hard work. In fact, I’m still a work in progress, but with God’s help and the help of many friends, I have come a long way. But I have a long way to go. For grief stays with you forever. My daughter’s memory will be with me forever. The memory of that night however, I’d like to bury along with my fear.”
Once I realized that the numbness I felt was an avoidance of dealing with the fear of moving on. I was able to see the wall in front of me begin to fade. And the path that revealed itself beyond the wall became inviting. It was something I so wanted to do, but there was this one little problem. I always kept looking back and if you know anything about moving forward, looking back…well it’s just not a good idea.
to be continued….
Until next time,