Today I heard something that I’ve known for some time. Something I have been told since I was a little girl. Something I told my own daughter as she was growing up. That is this – the decisions you make will lead to consequences. But what I didn’t realize or refused to acknowledge is that consequences can create an immense amount of pain and sorrow that can last for a lifetime.
For as long as I can remember I have walked a fine line of bad choices, wrong turns and missed opportunities. As I wrote in a post several weeks ago, my life has been a series of unfortunate events. In the beginning those events were caused by others – meaning my parents divorce, my dad choosing to leave his children and move on without so much as a word for years. Some other life-altering events caused by other adults that I choose to keep private. But it was some of the decisions that I made, for whatever reason, that placed me on a path of brokenness and that brokenness I didn’t recognize until today.
In looking back the decisions I made, the choices I went with seemed right at the time. But they weren’t – they led to heartache every time. When I look at my thought process for some of those decisions I can tell they were influenced by family, friends and sin. Yes I said it, the word, the albatross around our necks – SIN.
Today for the first time, I was presented with this thought – have all my bad decisions – wrong choices – created the train wreck of my life. Did some of my choices lead to the death of my daughter. I almost burst into tears during church today because I felt as if all my sin could have caused her death. That thought was just too much to bare. I told myself I couldn’t go there. The guilt was horrific.
As I sat listening to the message in church today I prayed a prayer at the end that brought me to my knees. I began to pray for forgiveness. I came clean with God. For so long I have blamed my decisions on the behavior of others. I had to own it. At the end of the day, as an adult, I had to own those decisions. Today I gave it all to God. I laid it all out there.
The thing about repentance is that it has to come from the heart. Repentance has to be genuine. You know the ole saying “put the fear of God in you” – that’s all part of it. I want so much to please God. To make Him proud of me. I want Him to look at me one day when I stand before Him and say “nice recovery” “job well done” my good and faithful servant.
But today I had to pray with brutal honesty of my sin, I had to own it. I have never been more sorry for all of the bad choices I’ve made. I wiped away the tears that were streaming down my face. Broken and laid out before God – I asked Him to forgive me and make me clean. To restore joy in my life. Now I am moving forward in a direction that is toward God and not my own selfish ways.
For the rest of my days on this earth, my joy comes from the Lord and the Lord alone. Everything I do will praise and honor Him. Because without God I am nothing. Nothing but a sinful human who has no hope.
until next time