Conflicted Spirit

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the process of grieving and the many avenues one goes down before you realize that grieving is a life long process. So often we read that grief occurs in stages and one would go from one stage to another moving towards some resolution of what has happened.

But in reality this grief I feel, this grief I live with, it’s here for the long haul. It has changed me. I have learned that I can not be who I was before. So that means I am grieving not only my daughter’s death, but the life I had as well. The person I was before. I’m seriously conflicted about the person I have become because of this horrible tragedy in my life. The flame of my spirit has been diminished.

On one hand I have never been more confident of God’s presence in my life. My spiritual life has grown by leaps and bounds. And I know that may sound odd to you if you are moving through this experience or you know someone who is, but it’s the way it is. God showed up big time in my life in the weeks and months after Brittany’s death. Had He not, I would not be here now writing this blog post. So why am I so conflicted now?

I think in large part it’s because I’m still unsure of my future and what it holds. I want so much to move forward but find it difficult to take that leap of faith towards something I don’t know. I wonder why I have such trouble letting people get close to me. I know some of the reasoning is because I fear love again because for me love is a means to an end. Always has and I don’t know any better. But my faith in God tells me something very different.

That God has such good things in store for us if we would only believe. His promises for blessings that will be poured out on us so much that the blessings will overflow in our life. I want so much to reach out and grab that blessing, but it’s fear that keeps it at a distance. Fear of loss haunts my very being. I can’t even imagine surviving another loss in my life. I’ve had so many I can’t even count.

I remember writing once about the Tug of War that goes on in my life. And that story still holds true today. It’s exhausting to exist some days. I really believe it’s because I have to reach out and grab life again. To experience what God has promised. To love again. But it’s so hard. So very hard. It feels like a dreary day when all you want to do is climb under the covers and shut it all out. Then there are days when I go out into the world and bask in the glory of God’s creation and as the sun hits my face I am reminded just how  much I love life.

until next time


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