Weariness

He makes me to lie down in green pastures. – Psalm 23:2 NKJV

  

In looking back at my life I can definitely see that there were times in my life where weariness led to a path of destruction. When I was “tired” I saw that I had made some very poor judgments. Wrong choices about who I hung out with, or where I chose to spend my time. So could it possible that remaining in a place of weariness may turn out to be one of the most dangerous places for a human to be. Let’s dive a little deeper.

First I think we need to define what weariness means. I’ll have to make you aware that there are many different ways one can be weary. But first we’ll visit good  old Webster for a clear definition:

Weariness

1 : exhausted in strength, endurance, vigor, or freshness
2 : expressing or characteristic of weariness <a weary sign>
3 : having one’s patience, tolerance, or pleasure exhausted —used with of
4 : wearisome

http://www.merriam-webster.com/netdict/weariness

So it looks as though weariness can take on a few different forms. Perhaps even somewhat interconnected. Think about it: if you have a lack of sleep – that can lead to a feeling weariness which then can continue on to showing signs of weariness…..poor judgment, poor tactile responses, lack of patience. – Yeah I’ve had most of them over the past 3-1/2 years since the death of my daughter. Hell I’ve had most of those all my life. Why?

For me I think I’ve always been a light sleeper. A light wind can come across my face and I’ll be awake. Or watching Grey’s Anatomy season finale made me have bad dreams. So many things can affect my sleep. The quality of my sleep. Work used to keep me up a lot of hours during the night. Wondering about my patients and their families. You see I’m a very caring person. I carry not only the burdens of my own life, but the lives of others. It’s the way God built me.  Perhaps why I became a nurse.

Sleep has eluded me for many years. Not always, but for a large part of my life I have struggled with sleep. In looking back at the how my life  unfolded from age 6 I can see why. It’s like my life has always been on guard. I became a caretaker at an early age because my father left us so early. My youngest brother was 6 weeks old and I was 6. As my mom had to go out and work multiple jobs to keep us together – I became a young mother. That is when my body took over and became a “watchdog” and the pattern of weariness began.

Fast forward to my time with Brittany….finding myself in a fight for her life at the age of 11 months from encephalitis. Seeing her through the many ramifications of that illness ending with her death 17 years later. I was always running on empty. Little sleep and that quality of sleep was not good I’m sure. Again finding myself  a “watchdog” again – but this time so much at stake. My future, my only reason for living – everything I ever wanted living on the edge.

Then the day she died….it’s as if a watershed of weariness came over me and I became exhausted. And I’ve been fighting back with everything I have ever since. There is a lesson here people and it’s gonna be revealed later. But it’s a big one. So stay tuned.

from Traveling Light by Max Lucado – page 42

“The bow cannot always be bent without fear of breaking. For a field to bear fruit, it must occasionally lie fallow. And for you to be healthy you must rest. Slow down, and God will heal you. He will bring rest to your mind, to your body, and most of all to your soul. He will lead you to green pastures.”

 

until next time

m

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