Chapter 12 – From Panic to Peace – The Burden of Fear
I will fear no evil. – Psalm 23:4 NKJV
In this chapter Lucado speaks of fear and how Jesus may have experienced fear the night before his death. How he looked to God to take his fear away. I too in the early days looked to God to take my fears, my pain, my anguish, all of it filled my every waking minute in the early days, weeks and months after my daughter’s death.
Lucado also writes about one of my favorite stories in the Bible “The Garden of Gethsemane”. I wrote about this previously and find that even today, 3-1/2 years after my daughter’s death – this blog post is still relevant.
The Garden of Gethsemane
As I struggled over the months to make it through, I came home and studied my bible for hours at night after work. There are so many wonderful segments of scripture that spoke to my heart during this time, but it is the story of Jesus and his disciples in the Garden of Gethsemane that really spoke to me. The words helped me to define how I was feeling about the “aloneness” I was experiencing.
Matthew 26:36 – Jesus points out to Peter, James and John how distressed and anguished he was…
38: He told them, “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”
39: He went on a little farther and bowed with his face to the ground, praying, “My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”
40: Then he returned to the disciples and found them asleep. He said to Peter, “Couldn’t you watch with me even one hour? 41: Keep watch and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation. For the spirit is willing, but the body is weak!”
42: Then Jesus left them a second time and prayed. “My Father! If this cup cannot be taken away unless I drink it, your will be done. 43: When he returned to them again, he found them sleeping, for they couldn’t keep their eyes open.
44: So he went to pray a third time, saying the same things again. 45: Then he came to the disciples and said, “Go ahead and sleep. Have your rest. But look – the time as come. The Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. 46: Up, let’s be going. Look, my betrayer is here!”
The phone didn’t ring as much, the cards stopped coming and life went on for everyone, except me. The everyday life that I knew was stuck on October 13, 2006. The everyday life I was living was foreign to me and I didn’t want to live it anymore.
I wrote the following in my blog:
My friends and family – it is so important that you stay with me on this journey. My journey in grieving for my daughter is nowhere close to being over. In fact, I’ve been very good at hiding it from everyone. It’s extremely difficult to work 9 hours a day and continue to grieve. So – it gets pushed aside only to rear its ugly head once I am home alone. I work as if nothing is wrong. But it’s all very wrong. Keep praying for me. Keep watching over me. Do not go to sleep – I need you all more than ever. – My Soul Speaks Journal Entry
My friends this chapter in Lucado’s book Traveling Light – is about fear. Fear can manifest itself in so many ways, but the one that a grieving parent suffers from the most is moving on, loving again and not losing the memory of the one they lost. I’ve had so many people say “oh you won’t forget her”. I’m thinking to myself “Seriously – how in the hell would you presume to know that?” Have you walked in my shoes? I doubt it.
****************** CAUTION *********************** ANGER and HURT AHEAD
My mother died months before Brittany was born. So yeah, it’s been 22 years – I have experience in that department. Oh and yeah I lost my grandmother 5 years later. So even more experience in that department. So when I say you do forget some of the memories, what I mean is you begin to forget their voice, their smell, their touch, their love. It’s an eminence pain I cannot begin to describe in words. Only in the tears that fall from my face and the pain in my chest does it begin to come close to the suffering I endure.
This is an incredible hurt that no one can touch. It’s the loneliest place to be. I’ve never felt lonelier than I do now. I struggle with whom I am, what I should do for the rest of my life. How am I to move forward when all I want is to have my old life back.
I just keep praying…….
Until next time