Original Post November 2006

NOTE: This is a dark look inside my heart which is broken and laying before all to see.

According to the bible it’s ok to grieve. That you must go through the process and feel every, painful, lonely, empty, broken, worthless, and words I can’t even bare to describe, feeling in order to move forward.

How can we be excepted to weep freely, not holding it in and function on a daily basis? Better yet, how can you weep freely with joyful assurance that God is with us. Really. I tried that – it didn’t work so well. I read where you are not suppose to weep like one who has no hope. Again, I’d like to challenge that one.

I’m already tired of the “time will heal”, it’s gonna take more time – I QUIT!!!!!

There will never be a time when life will be ok. I don’t have any other children. I don’t have a boyfriend or spouse. I have many wonderful friends who are being so supportive – but my empty heart is because I no longer have a child that loves me unconditionally. That says she loves me with that great smile – it always made me feel like I could do anything. Now – I hear nothing but my own negative thoughts guided by the Devil.

It’s funny how you always feel the Devil around – but you don’t feel God that way. Why is that? These questions I will be looking into more. I have daily, hourly conversations with God about this – he’s yet to reply. I’m praying, I’m reading the bible and other materials. I’m watching biblical shows and listening to biblical music – yet still my thoughts run rampant thru the valley of darkness. When can I expect some light? I need some light. I need it soon.

I know this all sounds dark – it is. I’m in one of my darkest hours. I will be praying for God to show me something that I can hang onto. I need that now.

Please continue to pray for me while I battle this out. I expect to come out much stronger, but with less of a love for life. For my reason to love life is gone.

until later,

mal

So that was a glimpse of where I stood four years ago – just a few weeks after the death of my daughter. As I read back through that post I saw several things. One was a mother in deep anguish over the loss of her daughter. I saw a woman of faith reaching out to feel, smell, touch, sense God’s presence. But I also saw someone who even in the midst of such suffering could tell that there was hope.

I’m not exactly sure where or how I made it through some of those first few weeks. I do know that God was present. He had to be, because I couldn’t see beyond the tears that fell constantly. My vision clouded by pain and sorrow. On some days I wasn’t sure God was even listening. But in looking back over some of my posts from that time, I know for sure He was there lifting me up. Carrying me through that valley of darkness.

Now as I move through this time of year I am reminded of how far I have come. This on-line blog/journal has been my life line, my constant reminder of hope. It has shown me over and over how far I have come in just four short years. But I am also reminded that I still have that empty space. That hole in my heart. I don’t think that will ever change. I know that because when I allow myself to go there – it’s painful.

The loss is still profound in my life. Make no mistake. I’m not saying it’s all good now, because it is not. It’s just better. I feel it’s like “coasting” through life and every now and again, I hit a pot hole “painful moment” or a brick wall “grief like no other” and then I am reminded I have to stay true to what I know and believe has got me this far and that is my faith.

Until next time,

m