Continuing my series blogging through Jerry Sittser’s book “a Grace Disguised”. Looking at how his journey and my journey and quite possibly your journey have something in common and that’s Grace.

Chapter 9 – Why Not me?

People often ask the question “why me” when something bad has happened in their life. I know I have asked that question numerous times growing up and throughout my adult life till now. Even today as I face the uncertainty of uprooting and moving to a new city due to my job being eliminated I sometimes find myself wondering “why me”.

After Brittany died I wrestled with the thoughts of “why me” so often. I asked God on more occasions than I can remember “why me”. One day as I was having a discussion with a family member he said to me “why not you”, “why not any of us”. And it was in that moment that I realized that in this life, nothing is guaranteed. Nothing is fair and for the most part we are living a life in a world that often times could be described as painful, sorrowful, delightful, happy, robust, joyous, I could go on with various words to describe the many ways one sees their life.

In this chapter “Why Not Me” Sittser talks about thoughts of getting what we deserve, living a life of fairness vs a life with grace. I agree with him on this point: living a life with grace, even though it means living a life of loss at times, is far better than living life of fairness. Because living as a christian means we are all sinners and being extended grace by God makes the sorrow, the loss, the challenges of moving forward so much easier than to just have lost and be left with nothing. Grace is powerful.

I believe as does the author that we didn’t get what we deserved. As we are no better or worse than some people who have everything. Whose lives are full of abundance. To believe that life should be fair at all times is a belief that will and can lead you down a destructive path. As I stated earlier I often wondered and even believed I must have done something in my past life that caused me to have so much loss. It took me awhile and some therapy and a whole lot of grace to understand that it wasn’t anything I did – it’s just life.

I believe today and always will that, although my daughter’s death brought me so much pain and still does today, her being a part of my life for nearly 18 years was the  best part of  my life. Even though she was ill and had many hurdles she illuminated my life and brought me to the place I am today. I am a much better person for having her in my life than having not had her at all.

Now in the post Brittany days, I have learned to accept the grace that God bestows upon me each and every day. My job is to continue to accept it. Not because I deserve it or that it is fair and just, but because God is a God of grace. He wants me to be happy and to live an abundant life. It’s my choice to believe it and to receive it.

until next time,

m