Month: May 2011

Inspiring Poems

Grief Blessings2 Comments

A Consoling Famous Death Poem

Death is Nothing At All
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.

All is well.

Funeral Death Poem by Henry Scott Holland ~ 1847-1918
Canon of St. Paul’s Cathedral ~ London. UK

Mother’s Day

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Mother’s day to me has become the worst holiday of them all. It has become meaningless in the face of tragic loss and a fragmented life left in its wake. But once it passes – I will again see the beauty of life and all it has to offer….but until then I cry, I weep, I mourn and I do it without shame or without regret for it is my journey to healing…

 

When you lose your only child, and your mother, and your grandmother – Mother’s Day becomes a day you dread more than any other. Over the past four years since my daughter’s death, I have come to dread this day over her “angel” day, her birthday or any other holiday.

When Mother’s day comes around each year I open up my little memory box of things I was able to save after my mom passed away on September 16th, 1988. She was only 48. I was seven months pregnant and she tried to hold on until Brittany was born, but didn’t quite make it.

One of the most precious things in the box is a letter she wrote to me many years ago when I apparently was struggling with a rough spot in my life. I’m going to share this letter with you because it truly shows the champion she was for my life and anyone who knew her.

Dearest Missie

Just wanted you to know how much I love you and how much I am so very proud that God chose to let me have y ou for my daughter. There is no other mother in this universe that feels as blessed as I do. And even tho I have to share you with your “nanny” and dear old “dad” there’s still enough for me too and I am grateful for that. You are very special to us in our lives! There is not a day that goes by that we don’t think about “you all”! Ha-Ha! How was that accent?

I think your problems will all work in your favor, baby! Just hang in there a little longer.  I know for a fact that you are a very strong person and very level-headed. You always seem to be able to work these kind of problems out. Have faith sweetie!

And please, don’t forget what I told you about calling me anytime, day or night. I’ll be here if you want to talk to me. If there is anything I can do for you, baby, don’t hesitate for one minute to call. We love you and we want to help in any way we can. Ok?

But hurry up and get me some pictures of you in your new clothes and especially your new hair do. I’m very anxious to see it before it grows out. Daddy Mack just called to see if I had talked to y ou yet and I said yes. He just wanted to make sure. We all love you very much, honey and will be tickled to death to see you at Christmas. I will get together with your brothers soon and let you know.

All my love, your mother and your friend

Every daughter should have a letter from their mother like this. So if you are a mother to anyone, I would encourage you to write this type of uplifting hand-written letter to your daughter or son, because I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that my moms words have carried through some pretty rough spots.

Even though my mother has passed for many years, this letter continues to lift me up and makes me feel as if I could achieve anything. I was blessed for 30 years to have one of the best moms ever. She always believed in me no matter what I was doing. She was my champion, my friend, my rock.

I miss you mom each and every day.

until next time

m

 

 

 

The Final Chapter

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Chapter 15 = Heritage in a Graveyard

This is the last chapter in the book by Jerry Sittser “A Grace Disguised”. As I reflect on this chapter I am reminded of the amount of Grace that God has extended me these past 4 years since Brittany’s death. And it is in those moments of Grace that I have been able to keep going and to realize that although I have endured a great loss and lived with many losses, I live today knowing I am a survivor.

In this final chapter Sittser writes about taking his children to the cemetery for a stroll to see the burial-place of his mom and wife, their mother and grandmother and their sibling who parished in the auto accident. For those of you close to me you know I’m not a fan of cemeteries.

Over the past 20+ years, I can recall going to my mother’s maybe 3-4 times. I find it very difficult to go there. Actually in all honesty I find it unbearable to go there. I can recall two times, other than the day of her burial, that I went to see her burial site and to take flowers. Once it was with Brittany, perhaps she was somewhere around 10-12 years old. I didnt’ want to get out of the car. I pointed out in the direction and told her to go and I’d wait in the car. So off she went and then I felt bad for doing that so I got out of the car and went over to her.

She was just staring at her headstone, as if she didn’t know what to do. Then I got down on my knees and wept – I missed my mom so badly and I think it was then that Brittany understood what loss looked like and how much the relationship between mother and daughter meant. I got back up and dusted myself off, as I always do when I’m in pain, took her by the hand and left. I didn’t return again until a few years ago with my niece Devon.

Devon and I went to the cemetery one day and I got out of the car and found it to be much easier this time. Perhaps the sorrow that fills my heart today from Brittany’s death has made things like walking up to my mother’s grave easier. We cleaned off the headstone, which is still a sore spot with my family, it bares the name of her short-lived marriage and not our last name. Devon and I placed flowers there and spent a few moments in quiet. Then left. I never want to go back.

For me it is a place of sadness and a place that reminds me all too well of how much I have lost in my life. This feeling is why Brittany is not buried. Her father and I chose to cremate her and she is with me today. For me it’s just better. I don’t have to go to a burial site to see her – which has always been a hard thing for me to do. It would seem less painful.

1-1/2 ago my aunt passed away and for the first time I returned to a cemetery where some of my family is buried. As I stood over my great-grandfather and great-grandmother’s graves, I was reminded of good times, but such sadness overwhelmed me that I had to turn away and walk towards the car. My uncle in fast pursuit as he knows, probably better than most, that death is devastating to me no matter how long it has passed.

Going to a cemetery is a painful reminder for what has passed no matter whose buried there or not. It’s a symbol of loss, pain and devastating grief and so I choose not to go again. I have enough reminders as I look around the room at my daughter’s pictures – I don’t need more. I honor my families memories in my own mind and in my picture albums. That is how I best respect that life. It works for me.

Sittser reflects about his thoughts on his own heritage and his role and for me he nails it here in this passage:

“Heritage has always been important to me, but never more than in the last three years. Much of who I am is a product of the heritage given me at my birth. My story is part of a much larger story that I did not choose. I was assigned a role for which I did not audition. Yet I have the power to choose how I will live out that story and play that role. I want to live my story well and play my role with as much integrity and joy as I can.” – Jerry Sittser

I couldn’t have said it better myself. That my friends is why I continue to grow in my faith, accept God’s grace to move on and continue my story. But know I will always have that pain, that sorrow, that hole in the space where Brittany lived. And some days will always be harder than others. So as Mother’s Day approaches, please pray for grace because this holiday is one of the toughest I live through each and every year.

Until next time

m