Randomness

Today is Christmas and as I’m sure I don’t have tell you all that, whether you celebrate it or not. It’s Christmas.

To me it means so many things. It’s the foundation of my faith; the hope instilled in my heart; and the assurance that God is in control.

But in my private moments whether it be in mind or alone in my apartment – the randomness of where my thoughts go continue to surprise me. I  have come to understand what has happened to me over the years but I have yet to understand “why”. It’s the why that holds me back. It’s the why that causes me to cry in the shower uncontrollably because my mind randomly goes to that place – the place where I try to avoid at all costs – the space in my heart that is void – that will not or ever will be healed. Perhaps a scar, but never healed.

Crying in the shower is something I’ve come to believe is cleansing to the soul – not just the body. I feel I can pour out my soul in the shower – as the water pours over me and into the drain – it is my hope that the tears will pour out of my body and down the drain. It’s exhausting to cry but also healing. Pain has to find a release. Tears are a perfect expression of the soul – pouring out it’s pain in hopes of healing the wound that is from deep within.

I still find avoiding looking at my daughter’s pictures. If I linger to long, I can no longer look away – I’m taken back to a time and begin to mourn all over again. So today was one of those days that I looked over at my favorite picture of her where her arms are crossed over as if she is hugging herself and thinking to myself how much I miss her hugs. Her love. Her laugh. Her happiness was infectious. I miss her everyday and I don’t think that will ever change.

I have a heart of gratitude for having been honored to be her mother. That God loved me so much to allow me the honor to have such a wonderful spirit of a daughter. I believe her spirit is among us and lives through us. I think sometimes I forget that and then I become sad. But I am reminded that she is part of me as I am a part of her. She will forever be a part of me. I will not forget her, I refuse not to speak of her and mostly I will never forget that she was my daughter.

At this Christmas time remember to look at your children and know that God has granted you the honor of being their parents. It’s a humbling thought if you allow that thought to move you into a place of gratitude. I am the spirit I am today because of my daughter’s influence. I am grateful for the lessons she taught me for so long. Love everyone, deny no one and be the hands of Jesus to everyone you meet. Just think if we all lived like that what a world we would see.

until next time,

m

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4 thoughts on “Randomness

  1. Visiting from SheWrites. It has been my first Christmas since my mother passed away, and I have experienced more grief than I thought I would. But your post has helped me remember the good times too. Thank you and Merry Christmas.

  2. I’m glad to know that LuAnn. My mom died while I was 7 months pregnant with my only child Brittany. So I know what it means to lose both a mother and daughter. It’s so important to write about your thoughts, feelings, pain etc. I found it has been most healing these past 5 years to write my blog. It’s public and I have heard more often than not that it has helped others. So I’ll keep writing as long as there is a need. It helps me too. Peace be with you.

  3. Also very sorry to hear about your mother’s passing. Hope Edleman wrote a great book “Motherless Daughters” that really helped me deal with my own mother’s death.

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