I want to go back…..

I cried tonight praying, rocking, sobbing…..I want to go back

back to the time when I laughed

back to the time when I loved

back to the time when my daughter’s life…..

back to the time when I could feel her love

back to the time when I lived

back to the time when….

I am severed forever from the life I loved. Finally I had made a good life for myself and my girl. Then without notice – ripped out from beneath me. My heart ripped out of my chest and thrown to the ground as if it had no meaning. My life tossed about as if there was no value. The meaning for my existence squashed and left on the road to die.

That is what it’s like to have your world turned upside down in a second. Everything that you knew was precious gone. Life taken for granted suck out of you like a blow to the chest. Time stands still waiting for the pain to go, the memories to fade, life to feel better…. I’m still waiting….

I spoke to God tonight again, asking why….I’m still waiting….

I don’t think anyone really gets this type of pain and sorrow. Unless you lived it. It’s unique this type of grieving. We are connected yet we are different. You go about your day pretending it’s all good and life is ok, but it’s not. It’s no ok that everything that mattered is taken from you. It’s not ok that no matter how good you are and how you live your life, crap still happens. Life happens. I can’t make any sense of it. Loss makes no sense.

I feel like a part of me is missing and while I can go about my day working and doing my job, there is a part of me, my personal life, that feels wrong. That cries foul. The void of her absence is always just a thought away. I cannot escape it. It haunts me. It’s raw emotion. There is phantomness to my pain. I ignore it, but it preys on me like a hunter.

This is when I know I am at my low and I pray. I pray hard. I cry hard. I sigh I grab my chest and I ask why….I want to go back, I just want to go back…..

Yeah it’s a hard day.

until next time,

m