I sit here at the end of a very long day. The eight year anniversary of the passing of my daughter Brittany and I am astounded by the still gut-wrenching pain that fills my heart. I guess I should not be surprised as I have come to understand that one never gets over the loss of a child. We just learn to live with the pain. I don’t let many see this deep wound because why would anyone want to share this pain? Of course I share my writing with you all through this blog; and my close friends and family hear me speak of my hurt, but truly no one gets to see it all. No one but God.
I share with God what I will not and cannot share with anyone else. The questions of why; the constant pursuit of God to help me understand why me? This is not my first go around with loss as you all may know; so I have had some very “real” conversations with God about the “why” of it all. I still don’t have the answers, but I have gotten some feedback over the years (if that is what you wish to call it). Feedback that comes from various sources, such as reading scripture, messages from a variety of speakers or written word or sometimes from a faint image or vision that can only be rationalized as a divine intervention. A song on the radio that stops me in my tracks as the words speak so eloquently to me what I yearn to hear. What I know is this… all of that… I could not have heard or felt if I hadn’t cleared my head and slowed down to pay attention. But it always seems to arrive at just the right time.
The pain and anguish is still very real to me but less raw. I have matured with my grief. I have come to realize it will be with me always. It is what I choose to do with it that will make all the difference. So today the beach seemed to be a fitting place to take my pain and sorrow to soothe it with a celebration of what I know she would have loved. A perfect sunset watching the waves crashing in and out over her handwritten name. Slowly with each passing over, her name began to fade and the flowers washed out to sea. She would have loved that.
The pain of my loss will be with me forever. Each year it is my hope to find a way to celebrate her life so that it brings joy not pain. It’s a process, I did not get here over night. Some days it’s all I can do to put one foot in front of the other, but that is how you get from there to here – one step at a time.
Until next time,