I know this topic is a tough one for many, including myself but recently I watched an interview where someone had lost their brother and father and now found themselves struggling to find love. It struck me during that interview that wanting to love again may be the hardest hurdle of all. When there has been multiple losses, the desire to get back into any relationship fully seems daunting. I struggle with it today. I have a wall up as if to protect myself from loss. So in saying that I understand that will or can keep me from experiencing love fully. But it also protects me against feeling or experiencing loss fully. I get it that it may not make sense, but it is where my head is and my heart.
I don’t expect people to understand this, because really how could they. Unless the floor has opened up and taken those most dear to you, how can you know? It’s simple – you cannot. My faith in people doing the right thing has truly been altered – fractured since the passing of my daughter. So many people were trusted and so many failed. It’s taken me eight years to realize that it will take the rest of my days to heal from not only the loss of my daughter, mother, grandmother and so on, but to forgive those who failed my daughter and who failed me after her death. My heart was severely broken into many pieces and it will be an on-going process to seal up the wounds.
So today, I love but at a distance. The challenge is for those in my life today, to be patient and understand or try to understand that my heart hurts each day as I live on beyond loss. Love for me is different now. All I can do is promise I will try.
Until next time,