Secret Life

Grief forces us to play a role we were not prepared for. There is no practice. There is no book that solves all the unanswered questions. There is no magic pill. There is no defined timeline. Grief isn’t always as it appears. I find myself playing the game of life because I have to. It is what I should do, but it isn’t always what it appears. I move through the motions because it is a necessary part of what life requires of me. I used to think that would be just easier to stop the merry go round and get off. Say I quit. But really that does not work when you are managing grief. It manages you. I could not change what happened. I could not change the losses I’ve suffered. On the outside it might all seem like all is well – but on the inside It isn’t always as it appears.

I let people see what I want them to see. It’s easier that way. I mean really nine years out I thought I’d be feeling this way less often. But oh I do. I’ve had them all along. But I’ve learned to disguise it better. Well at least some days, other days I wear it on my sleeve. I still find it difficult to process the feelings I have about living a life I did not intend on living. Things have not played out like I had envisioned. It’s like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. It isn’t always as it appears.

This journey has not been easy. Even this far out away from my latest loss, my only child, I find it hard some days. I think those close to me try to understand, they try to help, but until you have watched your loved one take their last breath, you could not know what to say or do, but in just being present – says a lot.

I chose to write about it because it is my therapy. I feel the need to let people know it isn’t always as it appears. People suffer in silence walking through life with a heavy heart and a sad spirit. The clouds seem to hover persistently over their life and the sun doesn’t usually shine very often for a griever. Remember it isn’t always as it appears.

Until next time

M

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