The sorrow that won’t go away.

Last week was the 28th year angel anniversary of my mom’s death. I just can’t fathom that she has been gone that long. It seems so surreal to me that I’ve been through so much without her about as long as I have been with her. I was 31 when she died. I think that will be a milestone much like the one I experienced when I turned 48, the age she was when she died.

The sorrow just never goes away. It just sits in the shadows waiting for the right moment to express itself. Which is usually not the right moment. There really never is a “right moment to fall apart or cry or to just be sad. It’s never convenient to openly weep over the loss. Or to explain that the reason you’re having a bad day. But it is the burden we have. I don’t expense anyone to understand it. But I’d hope that at some point I don’t have to explain it or hide it.

Now i’m facing the dreaded angel date of my daughter’s passing – October 13, 2006. Wow 10 years since she left me. I just can’t even rationalize that timeframe. It just seems like  yesterday and then some days, i think because my life is so dramatically different, that it seems like a lifetime ago. I do feel like the gloomy times are coming and I feel a heavy pressure on my chest that tells me the time is coming. I don’t look forward to it but I’m glad when it’s over.

Weeping, grieving and downright suffering is never anything someone looks forward to. It shows up when it wants and it leaves when it wants. The only control I have is to hide it the best way I can – work. Stay busy and in the quiet darkness I cry out in my pain and ask God why. 10 years later I still ask why knowing I won’t get the answer. I still ask. The mother in me wants to know why my baby, why my daughter, why me. I miss her more than I could ever explain or share. Those of you who read this blog – you know. It’s not easy to live this life without your babies – but we do.

Brittany%202005

I miss my daughter and the life I had dreamed of. My journey wasn’t meant to be. Wrestling with that has been the hardest. Left with many questions, no answers and a very broken heart. My heart is still broken. It always will be. It has scared over and that place will never truly heal. Thankfully I have a life now where love grows in a new place and it helps soften the pain.

Until next time,

M

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