The quiet whisper of hope has yet again gotten my attention as we enter into this Easter holiday. Through the death and resurrection of Christ I have been able to grieve and have hope after experiencing the loss of my only child. But that hope was not as present when I lost my mom nearly 30 years ago. What 30 years? I don’t even know how the time just goes by. I don’t remember her voice anymore. I was a mad at God back then. Angry with Him because I just didn’t understand why. Still don’t.
I wrestled with my faith for five long years all while trying to raise my one daughter who had developed epilepsy at the age of five. Also, have I mentioned I was also in nursing school then. It was a rocky time for me. Losing my mom was difficult – I was only 31. I had so much I wanted to share with her – you see, she was my best friend. We talked every day and then she was gone. It was like that part of my life severed from my body.
I suffered in anger for a long time. Then one day she came to me in a dream and told me enough – that she was ok and I needed to be ok too. I was thankful for that visit because it was life changing for me. I could finally process through the stages of grief and move on with life raising a five-year old and finishing nursing school.
Grief has been part of my life for a very long time. I have grieved losing my childhood because of divorce. I grieved the loss of my father who chose to walk away from his family and didn’t care what happened to us. I have grieved the loss of who I was to be when someone took my innocence for their own sick pleasure. I have grieved the loss of having a normal teenage life-like so many of my other friends. I have grieved the loss of my daughter’s life because of the chronic illness that plagued her and the future she was robbed of because of it. In a span of 17 years, I have grieved the loss of a mother, a grandmother and daughter. I have grieved….
I think grief will always be a part of my life. It is in the fabric of who I have become. It became evident I had to lean as hard as I could into God and to let Him take care of me. I could have just given up. I did want to give up sometimes. God has been so very good to me. He has placed the right people in my life and the right time. Who stood me up when I couldn’t stand. Who fed me when I couldn’t eat. Who clothed me when all I wanted was to give up. He also showed me what He gave up so that I could have life. His son.
I understood very clearly one day God knew my pain because He too lost a child. But very quickly He also showed me the hope I needed to grab ahold of and never let go of and that is the resurrection. It is in the resurrection that I have been able to stand up and walk the path of grief and hope. It is every Easter that I am washed over by such grief and joy because of the sacrifice and the promise all in one weekend. It’s not easy my friends, but I do it every day and so can you.
Hope is life-sustaining for grieving souls. Grab onto that hope and this weekend when you go to your church with your family – just imagine the gravity of God’s loss and in raising his son, Jesus, we are all saved. I can only imagine what that day will be when I can stand at the feet of Jesus surrounded by His glory and my family I’ve missed all these years. I can only imagine how wonderful that reunion will be.
That is how I walk through this journey.
until next time