Dad

My dad passed a few days ago. My dad and I had a relationship that most would call estranged; but I would call it normal. He really wasn’t part of my every day life; however we did talk occasionally. My dad left my mom when I was 6 years old. Never really knew his side of the family nor was he around much afterwards. He moved on. Created a new family. That is an entirely different post (book).

Regardless I loved my dad and appreciated that he was responsible for why I’m here on this earth. I began grieving my relationship with my dad many, many years ago. It was far from the relationship many of us long for. In fact, it was fairly non-existent. As I grew into adulthood, I took the initiative to go visit; but each time regretting it. We’d usually fight or he would have something negative to say that would piss me off. I’d become accustomed to that. It was the relationship, the only relationship we’d ever have.

Grieving takes on many different facets. Loss doesn’t always mean death. It means loss of a relationship, a job or a life you once knew. Each time grief presents itself from a new episode; the downfall is the same. The emotion is raw. Old grief resurfaces and it all has to be hashed out again. Over and over until it is banished again back in a small place where it resides waiting to be released again.

When someone dies; I feel the loss of my mom, grandmother and daughter all over again. I am reminded of the chronic absence they left behind. I wrestle a little with my faith and in the end I always come back to things happen for a reason and I don’t always know, understand or comprehend why. I find my faith helps me reconcile it. But let me be very clear; it does not go away. Grief will always reside in my heart and my life. It is part of the fabric of who I was and who I have become.

My dad loved me in his own way. It was not enough for me; but in the end I did not have a choice but to accept it was his way and not mine.

RIP Dad

Until next time,

M

2 thoughts on “Dad

  1. Hello dear, So sorry to hear about the loss of your Dad. It’s just another of life’s grim crosses that we have to bear. This will sound very un Christian and not very sympathetic, but in a few years you will find some relief that he has gone and is no longer a dark shadow over your own existence. I loved my Dad too, he was such a character, not a good father, but nevertheless he loved me. A few years after his passing I find myself thinking: “thank goodness he isn’t here to witness this, or that”. He was one less stressful problem that I had to deal with. The grief of losing him was not one iota of pain compared to that of losing my precious daughter. Im sorry for your pain. Best wishes for a happier time ahead, Sarah

  2. I appreciate your insight and agree with everything you said. Especially that it doesn’t compare in any way to the level of pain from losing our daughters. Much love and hugs to you Sarah.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s