In my last post, I wrote about the damage many felt from Hurricane Helene and Milton. Our home was seriously damaged and we are in the midst of getting the repairs started. I would be remiss if I did not mention how fortunate we are to have insurance and to have an emergency savings to help cover these costs. Many do not.

I’ve always been straight with you on this blog. I’ve never held back how I felt or what I was feeling as it relates to grief. What I’m about to write might seem a bit dark and please don’t worry about me. It is not meant to be political but rather how the world around us impacts our grief. I know hope is around the corner but today I need to write how I’m feeling right now. In this moment as I sit here facing so much uncertainty.

I often spend several days around October 13th and November 30th watching old videos, going through Brittany’s things, and writing about her. It was a way to remember her and keep her light alive in me. Her friends would send me fond memories and post them on their socials. This year was different. And the weight of that is so heavy on me in this moment. Little did I think that my grief would be delayed or even pushed aside because I wasn’t in my home during October 13th due to the hurricane.

Instead, we returned to our home to find a tree had fallen into onto our roof and through the trusses and into our kitchen. All my grief I was feeling had to take a back seat to this new grief and loss. Trying to orchestrate all the moving parts to keep everyone involved has kept me distracted from grieving the loss of my daughter. Each year October/November comes and it’s my time to write and reflect. Not this year.

This year has torn my heart wide open and I haven’t felt this unsettled since October 13th, 2006. If I had to describe how I feel today, the only way I could adequately describe it as I feel I am a voodoo doll with pins poking at me from people and events. I am hurting in places and ways that I cannot understand. I may have said to myself, “if it wasn’t for my bad luck, I’d have no luck at all” – but I know that that isn’t true – but it feels like it. That is the difference between the mind and the soul. My soul feels bruised and badly tattered. My mind is filled with moments of rage and sorrow for so much that is happening around me and to me and I have no control over. I can only protect my peace by removing myself from situations that no longer protect me. But I also know, at least for those closest to me, that love will prevail.

There is a song by Jelly Roll “I am Not Okay” and it couldn’t be more perfect to describe how I am doing right now. And it feels like the loneliest place on earth. Not being able to grieve in my own home. Not feeling comfortable in my own home. Not being comfortable living in this hateful world. All I can do is take care of myself and those closest to me who get it. Who are like me. Who have empathy. Who want the very best for everyone, not just a few select. I fear for the future. I hope I’m wrong, but from what I experienced yesterday out in public, and what I’m seeing in social media; I don’t have much hope.

November 30th would have been Brittany’s 36th birthday. She would have hated what is happening to this country and the hate that is pulsating throughout the souls of many. She was a firm believer in helping others. It was never about her and she could have and had every right to feel selfish. That was not in her soul. I’m proud of that. I raised her to be a caring human. A giver not a taker. Someone who welcomed everyone to the table. A mission we should all strive for.

I’ve always leaned on my faith during my life and especially in times of struggles and grief. But that too seems to have taken flight from me. There is a fight for my soul going on. I feel abandoned by God in this moment. People I loved and cherished have chosen selfishness, racism and hate over love, honor and truth. The very lessons I’ve learned about the God I know and love are not what I see in others who claim to believe. They have chosen hypocrisy over truth. They are the reverse of who God is. Unfortunately all we can do is watch it unfold and make sure we are prepared for the fallout.

Whatever your belief, this type of grief is real and it has consequences for everyone. Grief knows no religion, political view or belief. Grief is grief. During times of discourse and hate; grief wrecks us. It complicates our ability to see hope. Self care is of most importance now. Take care of yourselves and help others in need. We are all suffering loss of some kind. Be kind to each other. There is no room for hate otherwise we all will lose.

Until next time,

M