Category: Grief and the holidays

Some days are harder than others.

Grief Blessings1 Comment

I won’t deny that some days are difficult to get through for us grievers. In fact, some days I would just as soon pull the covers up and over my head and sleep. But I get up because it is the very medicine I need to keep moving forward. But some days….are harder than others.

The thoughts that invade my mind come ever so quickly this time of year. Harder to push them back where they belong – in the dark place. I have to be more cognizant of their ability to disrupt my day or put me in a bad mood. I look up and ask God to help me get through the day. But some days….are harder than others.

The ability to acknowledge that the life I knew is gone becomes increasingly difficult this time of year. It’s as if I don’t have a choice in where my mind goes. What thoughts I think. That is when I lean into God and pray for quiet. A peace that can sustain me. But some days….are harder than others.

Spending time with family is harder this time of year. You would think that it would be easier to have the people who love you around, but seriously, it makes things harder. Why – because then I have to hide how I feel so that it doesn’t ruin their fun. I would feel too guilty and that pressure is too great. So I pray to God for strength.  But some days……are harder than others.

The two-sidedness of my life is exhausting to live. But I find it is the only way I can exist. Crazy as that may seem – it works. The private griever in me wants to be left alone and to withdrawal from the world. The old me – wants to live life out loud and be an outrageous crusader for God. A life conflicted for sure. But some days…..are harder than others.

As God continues to heal my life, my heart, my soul……some days…..are harder than others.

until next time

m

Doors of Life

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For Everyone Who Ask, Receives. Everyone Who Seeks, Finds. And to Everyone Who Knocks, The Door Will Be Opened. – Luke 11:10

I’ve been praying for a long, long time for God to open a door so that the one behind me will close. I think I may have gotten my request a little out-of-order. I think I may be in looking back way to often and not looking forward enough.

As I continue to move forward on my journey of grief since the death of my daughter I find myself, especially this time of year, looking longingly at that past door that lies behind me. I am sure now after reading that scripture that by not keeping my eyes fixed forward I have hindered God’s desires for me.

Can I just say that takes an incredible amount of grace and humility to admit that, although I feel like God is making doors open for me, I can’t help but to look back sometimes and wish that I would wake up and it all had been a bad dream.

I find that particularly painful to admit, because I know it is the very thing that has stonewalled my progress. The problem then becomes how do I stop looking back. Stop looking back at a life I still long for. How do close that part of my life and look forward? It’s not the game  I wanted to play.

During this time of year seems to be the most difficult. The tendency to look longingly at the door of my past life with Brittany is so strong this time of year. It takes a great deal of strength and attention for me to stay focused on the present and future. I lean into and yes I said into Jesus in order to stay focused on moving forward.

The one thing I do know is that this happens every year at this time. For the past three years it has been extremely difficult to remain faithful that God will keep that door open long enough for me to crawl through. But I also know that God has always remained faithful to me even when I couldn’t even see it. See HIM. He is always there. Waiting for me.

My challenge is finding a way to close the gap between when I start to feel this longing and when I am able to focus on the door in front of me and not the one behind me. And understanding that this journey is a process and one that ebbs and flows without too much influence from me. It’s the nature of the beast.

Every gift that God gives us opens a door for something greater and more wonderful than we can imagine. I know this to be true. The hard part is remaining faithful to that knowledge when it gets a little rocky or life hits the skids. Remaining faithful will allow God to move in ways we can’t possibly imagine.

Hold on my friends, hold on.
until next time

m





Holidays and Grief

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Holidays have always been a torturous time for us grievers. A time of happiness and family get-togethers becomes a time of sadness, loneliness and feelings of despair for the griever.  There is also an added amount of pressure from well-meaning family and friends to “be happy” or it’s time to “move on” during this time of year.

This is the time of year that grievers often take to keeping to themselves. Not being too social. Almost to the point of being recluse. That happens in part because one it’s easier than dealing with the “well-meaning” family and friends who think they are helping and two because showing your pain and grief somehow makes it more real. It becomes your private friend. The one you don’t want to introduce anymore to anyone.

It’s hard to for a griever to imagine that their broken heart can mend or that love will ever feel the same again. But love doesn’t end when your loved one dies. The love left in your heart is still there. It’s the emptiness, the void left from their absence that makes your heart hurt. But the love – always will it be there to hold your heart together.

On one hand the holiday season brings beautiful decorations and lights. Wonder singing and praises to our God and then there are the lonely moments when the pain of your loss overwhelms you and all those sweet memories that you hold so dear to your heart remind you that your loved one is not there again to enjoy the holidays with you. And despite the good intentions of others, no one can take away the hurt you feel. All we can do is find ways to cope with the holidays.

Healing through the holidays can happen, but only if you allow yourself to experience the season. Feel the goodness of the season. See the beauty of the season. Because it is Jesus’ birth that we truly celebrate. All the other “holiday stuff” is just that – stuff. If you get your mind on the true meaning of why we celebrate Christmas – you can truly move beyond the pain of the holidays.

Don’t be afraid to talk about how you feel or to express your feelings of grief. Pain doesn’t go away on its own. It must be given a voice, whether it be vocal or written expression. I’ve always been a big fan of journaling as I can honestly say it has allowed me the vision to see my journey laid out on paper to see the progression from early grief to the grief I have today, three years later.

When you are experiencing an increase in grieving, it can make you more tired, physically and mentally. So take the time you need to slow down and get the rest you deserve. Don’t try to keep up with everyone else. Learn to say no when you need a break. But also say yes when you need to have someone around to talk with.

My biggest lesson that I’ve struggled with from the get go has been learning to say no. Stretching myself beyond my limits. I do it because it keeps me busy and then when I’m busy I don’t think about how painful I feel. It’s a cover up. It actually can increase your grief because it is increasing your stress. Stress on the body lowers your ability to cope.

Surround yourself with people who understand that the holidays can be difficult for  you. That holidays increase your awareness and sense of loss – so much so – that you may avoid holiday activities. Spending time with people who understand and that allow you to talk openly about your feelings is one of the most important gifts a family member or friend can give a griever at the holidays.

I know personally for me it’s hard to find people who want to hear my story or to hear about Brittany. But it’s crucial to the healing process to include them, the memories of them in the conversations without having someone roll their eyes at you or change the subject all because it’s too uncomfortable for the. It’s not their loss – it’s not their pain – it’s not their life. It’s your life, your pain, your loss and it has to be acknowledged for as long as you need.

A plan for anticipated moments where you may feel overwhelmed by a thought or memory should be in place so if it does happen you can leave the room or take a break without feeling embarrassed.

The most important part – is our memories of our loved ones are legacies that exist. They are apart of who we are and apart of who they were in our lives. Holidays make us remember these times more than any other time of the year. Go with it. Let it come. Journal it. Embrace it. Don’t ignore it. I have found over the past 3 years that the memories now bring smiles more than tears. But the tears still do come. Your memories are the love you had with that person and will forever remain in your heart. No one – No one can take that from you.

Create new memories by spending time with people. Try not to isolate yourself thinking you can avoid the holiday season. You can’t and it’s truly not good for you. I try to spend time with friends, family and other people to create a new definition of holiday for me. But with that in mind, these people I spend time with know my story and know that my story is what makes me who I am today.

Most of all love yourself during the holidays. Express yourself by giving and receiving love from others and from God. Surround yourself with loving people and you’ll see that your journey through the holidays will take on a new and different light. But always with a distant glow that remains in your heart from the love and joy that came from having loved someone so much.

Until next time

m