Tag: healing

Grief is Complicated

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“The powerful surge of sorrow and grief, and the magnitude of the empty space that resides in my heart and in my life since Brittany died, is real. It’s not some story that happened to me. Every October 13th, I am reminded my journey is far from over. Some days it feels like I just started this journey yesterday, and other days it seems like a lifetime ago.” – Mal Moss, Grief Blessings, The Story of Unimaginable Grief and Unexpected Blessings

I’ve struggled of late to find the words or the will to write. I’ve given it a lot of thought and the quote from my book “Grief Blessings” above captures the essence of my grief journey. I’ve only had a few times since I began to write where I couldn’t find the energy to write. Words usually come easily to me. Even as I sit here writing this, my mind just wanders and the distractions around me are so loud. 

This morning while riding my bike it occurred to me that I’ve been “retired” from my nursing career for almost a year. From the time Brittany died, I worked. I worked extra hours/shifts. I stayed busy. It was an avoidance behavior that kept my grief in check. The pain from the incredible sorrow my heart felt was just too much to bare. The work was exhausting leaving me without energy to battle the grief. Years went by. 

I accepted any type of job change that would increase my career because I wanted to feel valued. I needed to find a place for the motherly love and care spent on my child for nearly 18 years. Work became that for me. I moved from Michigan, Indiana, Atlanta and finally Florida because change kept me busy. Now life “fast forward” has slowed down since retirement and I am struggling to feel valued. Alone with these new feelings of being inadequate at life. Sitting here wondering how it happened. It happened because I pushed it away by working. I avoided grief like the plague. And now in retirement, grief is ever present but different.

I’ve never had a problem with being alone (by myself). Feeling lonely, is altogether different. I’ve never felt so lonely on this journey as I do right now. I really don’t have someone to talk with who would understand. Therapy over the years has helped but this I’m afraid is something I’m going to have to battle out on my own. In hindsight, retiring may have been a mistake. My work friends, many were closer to my age, made me laugh and created a space for me to sit in that didn’t sound or feel like grief. Now I’m facing it straight on, alone. 

Because I’ve moved so much over the years, I really don’t have close friends that live nearby, especially closer to my age. I’ve heard that making friends as you get older can be hard and I couldn’t agree more. It’s been very hard. I’ve always been a young soul who didn’t have much in common with those my own age. Now don’t get me wrong, I love and adore the people in my life now. They make me laugh and make life tolerable on days when I’m not at my best. They simply don’t have the life experiences I’ve had and talking about those experiences and how to manage them is something I need. I need to hear from people who’ve walked through the fire.

Retirement has complicated my grief.  The multitude of feelings that come from retiring from a successful career, like: getting older, recognizing my own mortality and seeking to find value, have also complicated my grief journey. The sum totality of loss has evolved into a new grief. It feels like the two worlds have collided and finding a way to talk about those feelings sits at the top of my list. I’ve never been one to “chat” in grief support groups because I always felt like I had a handle on things. But the unfortunate truth is, I do not. It’s hard to look at yourself and come to the realization that you don’t have it all together. You don’t have all the answers. That is new to me. 

Until next time

M

Grief Blessings

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After my daughter passed away in 2006, I documented my grief journey on my blog not thinking how it would evolve over time. During those early days/weeks/months, I just needed to push the heaviness of my daughter’s death off my heart. Needing to breathe and reduce the immense pressure that constantly weighed on me. Below is an excerpt from my book describing how I felt about conveying my thoughts and feelings:

As I reflect on the details of Brittany’s life and death in the previous chapters, I wonder how I can possibly convey the depth of feeling, the overwhelming grief and sadness I experienced, in a meaningful way. The truth is that words aren’t enough. They can never be enough to express love or despair, joy or heartbreak. Yet words are all we have. – Chapter 7 Grief Blessings

I wrote often about crying during those early days and weeks. Despite my efforts to suppress my grief so that I could function, I fell to the floor on many occasions unable to control the waterboarding of grief. Returning to work seemed futile as that was an indicator of moving on and that I could not comprehend. Going back to work felt as though I was moving on and making sense of that did not come easy. After three weeks, I was able to return to the job I loved so much and it was the beginning of some type of normalcy. 

Those early days were a struggle for me. I often walked around with a lump in my throat “grief” and it kept me from eating. Feeling as though recognizing the grief would lead to a complete collapse, I stuffed it. Only to get home from a long day and barely making into my front door before falling to the floor in complete grief-filled agony. This went on for months.

Grief doesn’t care that you’re in Michael’s. It doesn’t care that you’re in Cabo San Lucas, surrounded by the beauty of God’s creation. It doesn’t care that you’re in a movie theater, or at work, or among friends and family. It tugs at that rope when it wants to, hoping it will catch you off balance and drag you back into despair. There are no rules with this magnitude of loss. Grief takes you where it wishes, when it wishes, and however long it wishes. – Chapter 7 Grief Blessings

My journals and blog have allowed me to reflect upon my grief journey and most importantly to see the progress I’ve made over the years. Grief changes who you are and who you become. There are no rules. Grief is our teacher. The lessons we learn along the way form who we are on the other side of loss. Grief teaches us that there is pain in loving. 

My book “Grief Blessings” available on Amazon. Personalized and signed books available via the link on the right side of the blog page.

Until next time,

M

Doubt and Grief

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The thought of doubt has been plaguing me for some time now and for the most part it’s been a struggle to piece it out and connect it to something specific. 

What I come to realize that my feelings of doubt come from many situations, people and experiences. But they are all connected to who I am and how I react to certain situations or people. Now I will say with age, my filter has faded and my ability to stay quiet and not speak up has diminished. On some days, I say my give a damn is busted. Perhaps it’s because of the pain and sorrow I’ve had throughout my life. Maybe its age. In fact, maybe it’s because I’ve let others dictate who I am or who I am not.

For many years, I listened to others who influenced my thoughts and feelings about certain viewpoints. It probably wasn’t until my 40’s when I grew a backbone and said, “no more”. No longer will I let others dictate my worth. I am more than this body. I am a thinking, feeling and smart, well educated woman. In my 40’s and 50’s I found myself. The world opened up and I took it all in. Succeeded in my career. Grew as a person. I knew who I was and what I wanted.

At the same time, I was deep in my grief journey after losing my daughter who was my whole world. While some well-meaning people thought that telling me it was time to move on or that she was in a better place; it in fact, did more damage than it did good. I began to doubt my response to grief. Was I overreacting? I questioned everything. 

After a couple of years under my belt, I began to rise up again and found ways to celebrate Brittany, but also honor who I was in that moment. What was my purpose during the next phase of my life. I loved my work, traveled a lot and settled into a life that I could control. That is the magic word here. I controlled my own destiny. I made my own decisions and I was great at my job. I felt needed. I felt validated. I felt important. Probably for the first time in my life.

In looking back, that seems unfortunate but the reality was I did not have an easy life before. Life was incredibly hard and at times burdensome to point that I wasn’t sure why I was here. It wasn’t until my 30’s when I became successful at my job and had Brittany that I felt I had purpose. It all came crashing down when my mom died in 1988 (the year Brittany was born) and in 2006 when Brittany died. 

A few days ago, I came across a video interview I did for my church in Indiana about a year after Brittany died. I looked at that woman (me) and said I don’t even know her now. In that moment, I grieved for her. I had lost her or a part of her and never really knew it. Until I saw that video. It hit me like a rock. She is gone. I don’t even look like her now. She was young and vibrant. Now I am grey and more seasoned. Grief has seasoned me in a way that at times I don’t even recognize who I have become. 

I have become someone who I don’t know and need to time to figure out who I am and what future I have left. What I want to do with it. What truly matters. Right now, I do not know. This is what doubt does to you. You think you got it figured out. When in reality, you’re just going along with the motions to appease others. This is what grief and doubt does to you. You walk through life in a fog and some days it’s clearer and other days, you can’t see anything. Even the obvious seems not obvious. And when that gets pointed out by others, doubt creeps back in and your left back where you started as a young person; doubting yourself, what you bring to the table and is any of it worth it.

It’s time to stand up for me and what I want. That is the only way I can get back to feeling adequate and filled with purpose. I will no longer listen to the voices of others tell me otherwise. Grief, sorrow and life can tear you down; but it is in the growing, believing and honoring who you are, will you be able to carry on and being the best version of you that you can be.

Until next time,

M

Grief Abandoned

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In my last post, I wrote about the damage many felt from Hurricane Helene and Milton. Our home was seriously damaged and we are in the midst of getting the repairs started. I would be remiss if I did not mention how fortunate we are to have insurance and to have an emergency savings to help cover these costs. Many do not.

I’ve always been straight with you on this blog. I’ve never held back how I felt or what I was feeling as it relates to grief. What I’m about to write might seem a bit dark and please don’t worry about me. It is not meant to be political but rather how the world around us impacts our grief. I know hope is around the corner but today I need to write how I’m feeling right now. In this moment as I sit here facing so much uncertainty.

I often spend several days around October 13th and November 30th watching old videos, going through Brittany’s things, and writing about her. It was a way to remember her and keep her light alive in me. Her friends would send me fond memories and post them on their socials. This year was different. And the weight of that is so heavy on me in this moment. Little did I think that my grief would be delayed or even pushed aside because I wasn’t in my home during October 13th due to the hurricane.

Instead, we returned to our home to find a tree had fallen into onto our roof and through the trusses and into our kitchen. All my grief I was feeling had to take a back seat to this new grief and loss. Trying to orchestrate all the moving parts to keep everyone involved has kept me distracted from grieving the loss of my daughter. Each year October/November comes and it’s my time to write and reflect. Not this year.

This year has torn my heart wide open and I haven’t felt this unsettled since October 13th, 2006. If I had to describe how I feel today, the only way I could adequately describe it as I feel I am a voodoo doll with pins poking at me from people and events. I am hurting in places and ways that I cannot understand. I may have said to myself, “if it wasn’t for my bad luck, I’d have no luck at all” – but I know that that isn’t true – but it feels like it. That is the difference between the mind and the soul. My soul feels bruised and badly tattered. My mind is filled with moments of rage and sorrow for so much that is happening around me and to me and I have no control over. I can only protect my peace by removing myself from situations that no longer protect me. But I also know, at least for those closest to me, that love will prevail.

There is a song by Jelly Roll “I am Not Okay” and it couldn’t be more perfect to describe how I am doing right now. And it feels like the loneliest place on earth. Not being able to grieve in my own home. Not feeling comfortable in my own home. Not being comfortable living in this hateful world. All I can do is take care of myself and those closest to me who get it. Who are like me. Who have empathy. Who want the very best for everyone, not just a few select. I fear for the future. I hope I’m wrong, but from what I experienced yesterday out in public, and what I’m seeing in social media; I don’t have much hope.

November 30th would have been Brittany’s 36th birthday. She would have hated what is happening to this country and the hate that is pulsating throughout the souls of many. She was a firm believer in helping others. It was never about her and she could have and had every right to feel selfish. That was not in her soul. I’m proud of that. I raised her to be a caring human. A giver not a taker. Someone who welcomed everyone to the table. A mission we should all strive for.

I’ve always leaned on my faith during my life and especially in times of struggles and grief. But that too seems to have taken flight from me. There is a fight for my soul going on. I feel abandoned by God in this moment. People I loved and cherished have chosen selfishness, racism and hate over love, honor and truth. The very lessons I’ve learned about the God I know and love are not what I see in others who claim to believe. They have chosen hypocrisy over truth. They are the reverse of who God is. Unfortunately all we can do is watch it unfold and make sure we are prepared for the fallout.

Whatever your belief, this type of grief is real and it has consequences for everyone. Grief knows no religion, political view or belief. Grief is grief. During times of discourse and hate; grief wrecks us. It complicates our ability to see hope. Self care is of most importance now. Take care of yourselves and help others in need. We are all suffering loss of some kind. Be kind to each other. There is no room for hate otherwise we all will lose.

Until next time,

M

Sudden Separation

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With the sudden separation of accidental death, you were wrenched apart,
and the numbness, confusion, alienation, depression and “walking dead” feelings
that you have now are the result of not being able to assemble a
whole person out of the fragments left behind. – Deepak

 

The above quote from Deepak  Chopra in an article I read recently on Oprah.com really validated on of the many things I’ve spoken about over the past four years about the grief from a single mother’s perspective. Although I don’t necessarily agree with all of his comments he made to this mother, I do feel he has been able to describe in words what I feel I have yet to do.

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/The-Spiritual-Side-of-Grief-Ask-Deepak

The link above is there for your reference to the story of a mother, a single mother of an only child, who dies suddenly. Her story is the one closest to mine that I’ve found that speaks to some of the issues I’ve dealt with or still continue dealing with. I would encourage you to read it and if it resonates with you because you are at that place, try some of his ideas. I plan to.

Although I’m in a place of healing now, it’s going to be a life-long journey and one that I prefer to have God on my side or better yet at my side carrying me when I need to be carried, nudging me when I need to be nudged and lifting me up when I fall down. And finally bringing people into my life that will support me and validate me where I am and not where they want me to be. That is how the healing begins and will continue to flow.

until next time

m