Years Pass

The 6th year has now come and gone and while it seems like any other anniversary date, this one was different. This time I chose to focus on me and not on the loss of  her. I spent some time at a spa in Florida and just relaxed. Took a walk on the beach and took in all the wonderful weather Florida offered. I sat and watched a beautiful sunset that took my breath away. You know one of the moments I have said I am looking for. Yeah this year was different.

So often I have sat and cried about the loss of my daughter and how empty I felt. I would gather her things around me and mourn for her. The emptiness I felt in my heart was palpable. The void in my life not seen by others – only me. No one sees that nor gets that. So I hide it. Well I try to hide it – it usually manifests itself in my withdrawal from social life this time of year while I work through it. It’s hard to explain that to those who don’t know that part of my life. And to the one’s who know my story – I’m sure it’s hard for them to hear it or see it too.

I must admit that looking at loss through a different lens can be a bit daunting. I wasn’t sure what to expect this year with my new plan. I still do feel like something is missing. I cannot put my finger on it but I do know I feel like I left something behind. So what was it? Perhaps I left behind my old ways of dealing with grief. Perhaps I left behind a sense of sadness and exchanged it for a chance at happiness. While that all sounds odd  – happiness when you are grieving the loss of a child or loved one, I do believe God gives us just enough space to go there. I know my daughter would be kicking me if she could, well maybe she is. The thought makes me laugh. As I know she is absolutely with me always in spirit.

She was a gift given to me for such a short time. I cannot spend time worrying about what if I had done this or that differently. Life played out as it did and I can only learn from it and move forward. Walking out my purpose one step at a time in faith that in time, knowing that I will receive a “well done” at the end of my journey.

until next time