A few weeks ago I moved her things into the guest room and made her room into the guest room. That has helped. Every night when I would go to bed, I’d pass by her room and then I would head for the couch to sleep. Couldn’t bare going by her room and going onto mine knowing she wouldn’t be in there. It was if she was at her dad’s house for an extended time. Even though I was at her bedside when we stopped CPR and we let her go, her room hadn’t changed any since she left it.
Now it is different. I moved all the pictures into one room, except the one big one in my living room. I avoid looking at it at times, somedays I don’t want to think about it. Other times, I think about her and I can manage ok. I seem to be at a cross road with the grief thing…
Somedays – it’s so hard I don’t think I can breathe.
Somedays – it’s so hard because I can breathe.
Somedays – it’s so hard to remember her.
Somedays – it’s so hard to remember who I am.
Somedays – I want to scream really loud that I don’t like this at all.
Somedays – I am so grateful for having her for 17 years.
Somedays – I feel robbed.
Somedays – I want to die.
Somedays – I feel like a 2nd chance has been given to me to get my life right.
Somedays – life is just plain hard. It’s been hard for a very long time. I am tired.