Some days it’s so hard.

A few weeks ago I moved her things into the guest room and made her room into the guest room. That has helped. Every night when I would go to bed, I’d pass by her room and then I would head for the couch to sleep. Couldn’t bare going by her room and going onto mine knowing she wouldn’t be in there. It was if she was at her dad’s house for an extended time. Even though I was at her bedside when we stopped CPR and we let her go, her room hadn’t changed any since she left it.

Now it is different. I moved all the pictures into one room, except the one big one in my living room. I avoid looking at it at times, somedays I don’t want to think about it. Other times, I think about her and I can manage ok. I seem to be at a cross road with the grief thing…

Somedays – it’s so hard I don’t think I can breathe.

Somedays – it’s so hard because I can breathe.

Somedays – it’s so hard to remember her.

Somedays – it’s so hard to remember who I am.

Somedays – I want to scream really loud that I don’t like this at all.

Somedays – I am so grateful for having her for 17 years.

Somedays – I feel robbed.

Somedays – I want to die.

Somedays – I feel like a 2nd chance has been given to me to get my life right.

Somedays – life is just plain hard. It’s been hard for a very long time. I am tired.

later,

m

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4 thoughts on “Some days it’s so hard.

  1. Through all of these emotions, you are doing the right thing by keeping your faith. This is strengthining your soul by showing you that when you have lost all, and only God remains… God remains enough:)
    The book of Job may help you through.
    I continue to pray for you daily and I hope the hand of the Lord will touch your heart, so that you can heal and Love again.
    Love
    Bear

  2. Thanks you two – I am very familiar with the book of Job. I spent a while asking God if I was the current day Job. With all of the loses in my life and my current situation – I frequently ask God why and what do I do next. I’m still waiting for my answer. – Your supportive messages and comments are much appreciated and valued.

  3. This might sound strange, but I’m really loving that message! I am a big fan of truth. Your words were just so true! So real, and I fully believe God is working His way through you as you continue to be open and honest about your journey. Nothing gets more real than this type of loss. And I hope you do continue to walk your way through it. Not too many years ago, I was in a church service where the speaker gave an explanation of these words: “Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…” and the difference in this message was that the focus was on the fact that we do not STAY in our ‘valleys.’ We get THROUGH them, somehow. We get through them, because God is with us. I never forgot those words. I even wrote a poem about it. Maybe I’ll find a way to post the poem to my page, or I’ll share it with you.

    Nonetheless, you just keep up the good work. I know it’s difficult, but just keep that strong faith. You are loved!

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