I’ve felt it coming for about 2 days now. It’s like a black curtain or veil that begins to shadow you, making you totally aware of it’s existence. It begins to become more and more prevalent as it plays on your mood. For the most part you can dismiss it or redirect it or just think of something else. But eventually it wins.
It’s like a shroud or cloak of grief that washes over you to the point you can not stop it. Then you have to let it go. It envelopes you and takes you to the depths of your existence. That’s the bottom. Where you think I can’t keep going anymore, that it’s just not worth all the pain and loneliness you live with everyday. But you do.
But how long…..
No words can explain how deeply grieved I am today. But I am at one of my most lowest points and no one knows. God knows. I’m sure he’ll be working on me. The physical comfort of having arms holding me and comforting me is not available. Unless you know what I am feeling – I know it must be hard to understand or feel helpful. It’s hard for me to let this out in front of people who haven’t experienced a loss like this. So it goes both ways.
It’s a trust to be able to be moved down to your very soul – letting all the anguish and pain show – knowing you will be protected by the one who listens. Only special people have this gift.
I took Grace to Brittany’s picture and introduced her. Then I couldn’t stand any more – so overwhelmed over my loss. I put Grace down and sat on the couch and began to whale like I can do – you see it’s been a while since I have done that. It’s a deep painful cry that comes from some other part of my heart that I don’t let out enough. There is nothing like the mournful cry of a mother. It’s because the pain is as if your heart was ripped out without warning. You know it will never be healed again. Never.
until next time…