I read several articles today about starting life over. From a 40 something wife whose husband passed away to a mom whose daughter had just left for college. As I read them, I had so many different feelings that washed over me. I was angry, I was sad, I wanted to just cry, my heart raced but mostly I felt like I wanted to feel what they feel – excitement of a new lifestyle and the experiences that go with that – but I’m just not there yet.
I’ve lost so much – but mostly I’ve lost my identity. As Mother’s Day approaches, I am racked with grief over the loss of my mom. She died at age 48 from Breast Cancer. I lost my grandmother 5 years later, after a long history of Congestive Heart Failure – she was in her 70’s. And now my daughter – 17 years old – way too soon. I haven’t really liked Mother’s Day since my mom died. Even after becoming a mother 3 months after she died, – it was just too sad for me to think about. And still is.
My identity was so tied up in my family. I was my mom’s daughter, my grand mother’s grand daughter and my daughter’s mother. Now I am none of those. I am no longer a mother. We were all so close. Now there is nothing!
I was able to come to closure with my mom’s death through the help of a great book – Motherless Daugthers by Hope Edelman. This book saved my life. I for once found someone else who felt like I did. I got to meet her a month after I found and read her book. She signed my book and I told her how much her book helped me find closure after 5 years.
So far, I have yet to find anything to help me deal with my daughter’s death and what it means for the rest of my life. How I am suppose to keep going in a life I don’t know how to live. All I know is how to care for my daughter. She had so many needs and I kept very busy keep all her medical records, her medications, her doctor visits and tests all organized. And then of course all the drama that came with school issues.
You’d think that I could find a way to be glad to not have that worry any more. But I’m not. You see I’m happy for her. She is no longer suffering. She is in the presence of God! But me, I’m in the presence of my loneliness. Not knowing what to do next. Even with friends and family by my side – I battle the loneliness and the lack of a role that includes what I have done for the past 17 years. I don’t know what else to do.
Please pray for me as I continue to pray for guidance for what to do for the rest of my days.
until next time,