Here’s what’s going on…..
I’ve been struggling a lot this week. More than usual. But I also injured my shoulder and it’s extremely painful. More than I let on.
The senior class has requested to honor Brit at graduation with a reading and a moment of silence. They also want to donate something to the school in her name. I have been trying to decide whether to attend or not. I think I’ll need some major sedatives to keep from totally breaking down. I probably won’t decide until the last minute. I might just sneak in at the back and keep quiet in the shadows.
It’s so easy to want to disappear and try not to think of the pain of loss. When you spend any time focusing on the loss – it’s too consuming and it sucks the life out of you. That’s when you begin to think it’s not worth moving on and trying to make a new life. It’s the most painful thing I’ve ever had to deal with and what is most difficult is it will never go away. I will always be battling it at some point for the rest of my life. On bad days, that’s not appealing. On ok days, I pray to God for support. On good days, I just don’t think about it.
I’ve read that crying is healing. I believe that, but it is also hard to let yourself open up like that with people. I’m having great difficulty with that here. Mostly because my family here hasn’t been with me for the past 6 months experiencing the ups and downs of grief. So I tend to hide it. I cry in the shower or in my car. I have friends that I’ve had for years who send me emails and say they don’t know what to say or do. I feel bad for them. I feel bad for me.
I have so many things I want to do to honor her and to help others, but I haven’t been able to turn that corner yet. I’m sure I’ll get there eventually, if I survive it. I’m not sure I’ve gotten over that hump yet. I came to the sad realization yesterday that I gave someone my heart after my divorce and he broke it. Then Brit dies and the other part of my heart is broken. I don’t have any thing to offer anyone when it comes to love or to offer my heart. I just don’t feel anything like that now. So you see how hard life can become when you are hurting from so many different areas. It’s exhausting.
Sorry for the rambling. Hope you enjoy the weekend.
until next time,