I awoke at 4:30 am with my brain racing with thoughts about the “hows and whys” of my existence. I couldn’t go back to sleep – I felt compelled to get up and write…. So here it goes!
Lately I’ve been reading some of Brit’s writings in the last year of her life. How strangely parallel our thoughts are now. I used to think “how can she feel that way” as I read her soul being poured out onto paper. Now I know, because I too feel those things that she wrote about.
Mostly she wrote about why she was created. What was her purpose in life? Why didn’t anyone love her (she meant boys). Now I can look back at these questions and know that her reason for existence, her purpose in life and the lack of love where all fulfilled. I hope she knew that in the end. I know God has told her so.
As for me, I have been reviewing (with so much sadness) my writings over the past 10 months and I see how far I’ve transitioned from the initial shock of losing her to the resolution of her absence.
But, the one thing I know for sure, all the things I’ve written or felt are still just as painful today. It’s just that I see it all differently. My questions haven’t been answered. The hole in my heart hasn’t been healed. I’ve yet to understand my purpose. So where does that leave me today?
I ask God in my prayers to give me a reason to get up and go on another day. To make my life meaningful. To help me understand why I’m here. I figured out I don’t know how to listen to God. I can’t tell when it’s Him leading me or me leading me. All I know is that when I think it’s me leading me – I usually go down the wrong path. Try things that aren’t successful. That brings me to a whole other area of my life. All those wrong paths. Too many to go into. Yes, I know they have taught me alot, but those paths have also caused so much grief. More than one should have to bear in a lifetime. We’ll leave that for another day!
I will wait, some days patiently and other days not so patiently, for guidance from God. While I wait, I try and finish some un-finished business. You know get my ducks in a row so to speak. Finish some projects I’ve started. Seems like a good idea. Pass the painful time that I live daily.
Resolution – how does it feel? Empty. Sorrowful. Um – can’t say happy, glad, joyful – those are feelings I can easily portray, but don’t know well. Emptiness, pain and sorrow – I know them well, but don’t feel I portray them well. What you see is not what is real. You see what I choose for you to see. Plain and simple. I care for you all too much for you to see the real anguish that exists to my very soul. Oh it’s easier to get up every day – but what you don’t understand is that the emptiness is still present – every time I look at her picture I am reminded of what I have lost. I know I have gained so much by having her in my life.
But my question is: How do I take that knowledge and make a new life? Right now it’s very hard to see my life without her. But I keep trying. I keep waiting. The cost of all of this on my body and my soul – well it’s – I can’t even put it into words – that’s how hard this all is.
until next time,