Entry for September 03, 2007

Hope everyone had a nice holiday weekend.

I had a very nice time at my friends house. It was quiet and their backyard is amazing. It was like going out into the country, but without leaving the city. I had a chance to do a lot of thinking and a lot of “soul purging” otherwise known as crying. It was very cleansing to my soul and my heart.

I realized I’m not going to make things better by being sad. It won’t bring her back and I need to move on. It doesn’t do justice or honor what she achieved in her life by stopping mine. That doesn’t mean it hurts any less. Her absence is hard to bare, but I know God has a plan for me and I must begin to pursue what that is (when I find out).

What I want people to know, my family and friends included, is that even though life has gone on and everyone is busy doing whatever it was they were doing before she died – my life will NEVER be the same. I just can’t stop feeling the emptiness that exists every DAY – day after DAY!

It’s not just going to magically disappear. It’s going to take a very long time and that’s ok. Please don’t expect me to go on with life as if nothing’s changed, because it’s changed drastically for me. I have to have time to find out who I am now and what my purpose is. I’m not who I was 11 months ago. That person is gone. A lot of things have changed about me and inside of me. My beliefs, my desires, what moves me now, what I love, what I don’t – so on and so on.

Please be patient with me while I’m on this new journey of discovering what God has in store for me.



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